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Talking Back

Posted August 10, 2008

Dear Kitty,

My son is almost 3 and a half.  He has been a fairly easy child so far except for temper tantrums now and then which I think are probably normal.  Now, however, he is getting very fond of talking back when I say things to him.  He mostly does it with me but also with his father sometimes.  I've told him we don't allow talk like that and I've taken privileges away but something is spurring him on.  How can I make this behavior stop?

Most parents of children under age three catch on quickly to the importance of ignoring temper tantrums.  They find out that the number of tantrums and their length will decrease once they learn the art of walking away from a tantrum. However, after a child turns three and those temper tantrums become verbal, it seems the tantrum takes on a quality which suddenly makes everyone uneasy. " Isn't this disrespectful?  How can I let him talk to me that way?"
Talking back is a three year old's temper tantrum.  It needs to be walked away from.  It's no worse than falling on the floor, kicking and screaming, unless we make it worse by over interpreting the behavior.  Children have a right to get mad when we won't let them do something.  It's human nature.  And when they've moved developmentally into the world of words, it is very natural for them to lash out at us with those words (dumb-dumb, poo-poo head, poopy mommy, I hate you, go away, I want my daddy, you're a no-good mommy, etc.).

How we react - more like whether we react - will determine if this sassy behavior becomes habitual or dies out for lack of reinforcement.  If you do react ("that's not nice," "don't you dare," "you can't speak to me like that," etc.) then the talking back worked for the child and she'll continue to do more of it to get a reaction out of you.  If you do not react, her whole purpose flops, and, after trying a few more times, she'll discontinue because it just isn't working for her.  There's no pay-off.

I'm not talking about giving in, of course.  If you've made a statement "your snack will be ready when you've washed your hands" (over 3 years of age), and you get told that you are a dump-truck mommy, then while you will ignore the words, you will also be waiting for the hands to get washed.  You should be busy with other things while your child stews over the decision he has to make.  Even if things get really grim, you do not present the snack unless the hands are washed.  How do you pull this off? Pretend you are deaf.  Turn your back.  Walk away.  Resist the urge to say "well, I love you anyway, even if you hate me," or "you hurt mommy's feelings when you say things like that".  Any of these responses will be so satisfactory and interesting to your child that this behavior will be repeated (and probably escalated) next time.  Try very hard not to let your own feelings be involved at all.  Of course she's mad.  We knew she would be.  Children need to be able to get mad in a developmentally appropriate way (spew words at you) and then find out that nothing changes.  You don't get mad back, you don't cry, etc., and most of all, you don't feel sorry for them and cave in.

So, if you have a three or four year old who gets mad and tries to hurt with his words, try not to assume he has an anger management problem.  This is normal, developmentally.  By age five, while there may still be some verbal outbursts, your child may more likely sulk off and slam the door to her bedroom when she feels thwarted.  Bursting into tears is also not an uncommon way for this age to deal with anger.  Doors are pretty good for slamming, and my advice would be to pretend you don't hear.  That way, the door may last into your child's adulthood and you'll get through this stage relatively unscathed.

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