Mandatory Playtime

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Posted November 1, 2008

Dear Kitty,

Up until July, my now 2.5 year old son had been "enjoying" a daily one-hour playtime in his room, in addition to his afternoon nap. When my husband started his summer vacation, we decided to relax the schedule as we could "spell" each other off with parenting. Now we are trying to re-implement the regular playtimes as my husband will be returning to work soon and our second child is due in a few months. We have remained consistent all along with nap and bedtimes, but we are finding that now he is very resistant to his playtimes and is resorting to yelling, throwing things around his room and at his door, and banging on his door with toys. I try to ignore the temper tantrum but am finding it difficult to cope with! Do you have any suggestions? --exasperated parent

It is not surprising to hear that your efforts to reinstate playtimes is not going well. You have given your son a taste of "bread and butter" with yours and/or your husband's full attention during the day, and you are now you are offering only the crusts. Remember that although parent-child play is valuable, it can become addictive and can inhibit a child's natural ability to play independently. Your child's mandatory playtime is as necessary in his development as getting 11-12 hours of sleep at night, and it must remain a consistent part of his routine year-round. What you are experiencing now is essentially "starting over".

The good news is that you have maintained other important components of his routine such as strict nap and bedtimes. When implementing mandatory playtimes, it is equally important to remain consistent with the routine and make sure your son knows exactly what you expect of him (..."it's time for me to ___, and it's time for you to have a playtime"...) He needs to have firm limits and he will be more secure knowing exactly who is in charge. Your role is then to set up his room/play area and step back and let him do the "work" of creating, imagining, and problem solving on his own. His behavior in his room needs to be purposefully ignored for the duration of the playtime while behind his closed door. When the playtime is over and he comes out, don't give undue attention to what went on, or the size of the mess created during his time in his room. He can be involved in the clean-up or not, but there shouldn't be an expectation that he will.

It may be helpful, during the difficult days, to remind yourself that you are fostering in him the ability to play independently--one of the most important childhood tasks!

Raymond Parenting

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