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We’d better hurry

Posted May 1, 2009

"Oh! I forgot about gymnastics today!
We'd better hurry!"

... I overheard a parent say recently as I was picking up my granddaughter from kindergarten. Knowing that the little boy was pressured to move fast after a full morning of kindergarten, to speed through lunch and be on time for his gym class, made me aware once again of the many ways that children are being rushed through childhood.

The 'word on the street', these days is that if you are a conscientious parent you'll involve your baby or preschooler in dance, swimming, gym and music. Whether it is to keep them busy or round out their early “educational” opportunities, the drawbacks of leading a too-busy life include extra time driving from place to place and burn-out from too many adult-directed activities. Children need lots of "do-nothing" time (non-electronic) to review their thoughts, daydream, and practice resourcefulness if and when boredom sets in.

Young children do their best learning through exploration and curious discovery. Your home provides the best laboratory for this child-directed learning to happen, augmented by a preschool experience at age 3 and 4 years and by a play-based kindergarten after the age of five. If we wish our children to have a slow, memorable childhood…we need to practice slow, confident parenting.

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Filed under: Daily Routines, Play

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Building Resilience with Games

Posted April 1, 2009

This excellent question appeared recently on the ParentsNet discussion board:

I have a 5 year old who is, typically, into playing games (card games, clue, parcheesi etc.). She plays with her friends and us, her parents. When I play with her, I don't try to win, nor do I try to lose, figuring that she will win some and lose some. Which is how it happens. Twice now though, she has reacted to losing in a negative way. The first time, she kicked the Clue board, threw the pieces across the carpet and was very very mad. After briefly explaining that she was being a poor loser and all that entails, I suggested she head upstairs for some quiet time. Today, she lost at Snap and she snapped. I reacted by reminding her that losing is part of playing and she wasn't losing well and that we wouldn't be playing any more games today but we could try again tomorrow. She got really really mad, I got lots of evil eyes and sour looks. While I can empathize how hard it is to lose at the age of 5, I'm wondering if there's anything else I should be doing or saying to discourage the bad losing? Kitty, what are your recommendations on this topic?

Some day you may appreciate the humor in the picture you've painted - Clue board and pieces flying - but I'm sure in the moment it's a very unpleasant scene. It's a good reminder for parents that kids at 5 years of age are likely to be going through a highly competitve stage.  For one thing, it's somewhat new for them to understand the complexities and rules of playing games any more sophisticated than bingo and then on top of that, we ask them to be a good loser. This usually reaches beyond their scope.

I think you handled the situation very well, telling her there won't be any more games today but we can try again tomorrow.  Gradually, in an effort to keep the games going, she'll at least lower the level of steam when she loses, though for a while her disappointment may feel profound to her.

As time goes on, I bet you'll observe her being able to look back and say ...well, at least I won last time (and eventually) ...maybe next time I'll win!

A long time from now, you may even hear "Good for you, mom!"

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Filed under: Play

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Time Management with a Toddler

Posted February 1, 2009

Dear Kitty,

This may sound like a silly question, but sometimes I have trouble filling my day when my 18 month old and I are home together. He would love to have me play with him the whole time but somehow I think I should put a limit on that. I would appreciate your advice on what a toddler's day should look like, in a very general way, of course, knowing that every day is not exactly identical.

I think your question is a good one and I agree with you that constant entertainment by a parent is not in a child's best interest. Creativity and resourcefulness will result as your child experiences regular times during the day when he needs to rely on himself and his own ideas for entertainment.

What follows is an excerpt from an as yet unpublished book I've written called "Parenting: Keep It Simple". This section addresses your question:

Managing Your Time with a Toddler in the House

This can be very challenging. Children ages one and two years may test parents by willingly becoming "hooked" on any kind of entertainment the parent will offer, especially if it means going out of the house, being picked up, played with, etc. Many toddlers seem to resist entertaining themselves. Yet, because we know that free play with interesting play props and without an adult directly involved is the way toddlers do their best learning, I encourage parents to schedule 'alone' time for their toddler. Here might be a typical toddler's day:

7:00am Get up and putter* / eat breakfast / putter again while parent is also having their breakfast.
8:00am Independent playtime (45 minutes) in room, with door or gate secured while parent showers, or eats or is otherwise busy. (happy or not, this is important time for a toddler)
9:00am Time to putter, following caregiver; "helping" with jobs
10:00am Watch short program, video, or listens to book on tape
10:30am Read stories with parent or caregiver
11:00am trip out to park, mall, groceries, back yard
12:00am lunch
12:30 -1:00pm go down for a nap which lasts approximately 2 hours or more
3:00pm wake up, listen to book on tape, 30 minute video, or music
3:30pm read books with parent or caregiver
4:00pm a walk outside, groceries, play in snow, rain, etc.
5:00pm solitary playtime in room (45 minutes) with door or gate secured (happy or not is OK)
6:00pm supper, bath, stories
7:00pm bed time
7:30pm parents eat supper by candlelight!

This chart is intended as a suggestion of how a parent can manage time with a toddler in the house. The day will probably always go best when the same general routine is followed day after day. Toddlers do not seem to thrive on variety. They prefer events to be predictable.

It is important for the parent of a child this age to practice "healthy selfishness" by building in time for yourself throughout the day, not just to get work done but to read a novel, drink tea sitting down and model for your child that parents have interests, too.

*Puttering refers to a child wandering about, picking up small portable objects and bringing them to an adult, walking away, wandering back, whining a bit for possible attention, then going over to a cupboard or toy when adult attention isn't forthcoming.

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Filed under: Play

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