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Do the French Have Parenting Secrets?

Posted March 19, 2012

I'm listening to an interview on The Current with Pamela Druckerman, author of Bringing Up Bebe'.  Perfect timing because I'm on page 51 of her book.  Toddlers eating vegetables willingly?  Going to bed cooperatively?  Infants sleeping through the night at one month?  I'ts only fair that WE learn some of these secrets!

Parents more at ease.  Children sitting calmly through long meals, still engaging with parents, chatty, happy.  Study out of Princeton, compared French and American mothers:  French parents like parenting more than North American mothers. (A generalization of course.  I don't have this study yet to see how specific the conclusions were.)

Drukerman has three children and lives in France.  Her roots in the United States cause her to move frequently back and forth between what she finds to be two very different parenting styles.

Here are her overarching impressions, as I heard them in the CBC interview:  (I haven't finished the book yet.)

Life should not center entirely around kids; maintain a life of your own; better for parents, better for kids not to be solely focussed on.  French parents pretty much share the same kinds of parenting beliefs so there are not the parenting wars we have here. There is general agreement on "rules" of parenting. 

Kids eat what they want but they have to taste everything. (Kitty's note: this may work better early on, say 5-6 months when babies are most curious about what parents are eating, and then continue) 

Drukerman observes that North American parents are parenting in ways different from how they were raised. Grandparents are also reading the book and saying "This is what we used to do!"

In early childhood, there is less emphasis on learning skills or academics; instead they stress emotional connections.  Very big on manners.  French parents say that saying bon jour makes kids realize there are other people in the world.

At bedtime, you must stay in your room but inside your room you can do anything you want. There are fewer bedtime battles in France.

Kids are happy and wild in French playgrounds, but she obverved less playground screaming and fewer kids running to their parents.  Tantrums in markets, are rare. 

The French feel kids should be able to play by themselves and handle their own boredome, in order to be happy.  The author wondered why aren't the parents more involved, don't their kids need stimulation like we are told here?  No, say French parents - they will find stimulation.   Allow children to be absorbed, and not interrupted.  Mothers get time to themselves, and so do kids. 

Here mothers feel guilty when taking time for oneself.  French mothers feel guilty, but handle it differently.  American mothers appear to embrace guilt like a cape, according to the author.

 French moms go sit on the bench for 30 minutes while kids go on the merry go round .  American moms stand nearby in order to wave every time the child comes around.

Pregnancy in France is not, of course, unsafe, but they signal good motherhood by how calm they are, and by not renouncing pleasure.  Allow themselves pleasures all along.

Pregnancy here: we have to show how meticulously we eat, careful about our bodies, vigilant, worried. "Is parmesan cheese pasturized?"

French babies "do their nights" (sleep through the night) much earlier.  By believing baby is a person, French parents believe you can teach him certain things, e.g. how to sleep.  Gently, slowly. "La Pause"  represents a French style where parents of a baby 2-3 weeks old - do not rush to pick him up.  They watch, wait.  Can baby connect his 2-hour sleep cycles on his own?  Yes! Then they "pause" while a baby moves to 4-hour segments.   They are really anxious to let the baby learn to go the night.  French babies are not being fed through the night after the first 2-3 months. By four months of age, French parents believe you may have "missed a window" for showing your baby how to sleep through the night without eating or fussing.   At that age, then they resort to letting the baby cry until it falls asleep.

French  families eat together.  Serve food in courses, starting with vegetable dish.  No snacks in the afternoon so their families are actually hungry by the time the salad or veg. dish arrives.  Then the main, different cheese every day, ending meal with fresh fruit dessert. 

Lots of social support among parents for other parents. Much less judgement.

French fathers do less than American fathers do, but much less a battle of the sexes, complaining.  No boiling rage beneath the surface resentment in France.  In North America, she says,  we expect 50/50 and and seldom does that happen; it doesn't in France either, but nobody expects it, so there is much less anger.

Can we do what French parents do the author wonders?  She is advised to teach children how to wait, from babyhood on.  Learning to wait well is a skill, learning to sleep well, learning to eat well, they teach their children to cope with frustration.   The belief is that parents don't need to do everything the child wants.

Pamela Drukerman tells us that her kids enjoy food, bedtime is bedtime, evenings are adult times. Still, she wonders if they are sometimes too strict. (Kitty's note:  let's call it unquestioned leadership...yay!)

This is a book I'm going to enjoy.

 

THIS WEEK'S SEMINARS:

Tuesday, March 20 Toilet Learning the Easy Way 7-9 PM

Tuesday, March 27 Helping Your Child Learn to Play Independently  7-9 PM.  (Sounds quite in keeping with French parenting practices)

REGISTER

 

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Going to Kindergarten in September:  How do you know if the timing is right?

Posted March 11, 2012

Some parents face the dilemma of whether to send their now-4 year old child to kindergarten in the fall or opt for another year or preschool, to be on the safe side.  What is the safe side?

The "safe side" recommends that to deal well with kindergarten -and with the ensuing 12-year educational career that follows -  your child should have already turned five before the school year starts.  (Most districts require them to be turning five by the end of the year. Calgary will admit a child into kindergarten who only turned 4 years in Marchof the same year!) 

Twelve years is a very long time to spend as one of the youngest in the class.  Some kids will be just fine but for those that aren't, there is really no other opportunity to "hold them back" for a year in case you become aware that being the youngest is no picnic.  Schools and parents and kids are all very reluctant to have a child repeat a year once they are in the system.  Now is the only time you have that opportunity.

"But my child is bright, gets along with others and loves learning!  Besides, all my friend's kids are going.  I would feel left behind."  I certainly understand these feelings.  The first day of kindergarten was a very exciting day for me as a five year old (born in June) and for my kids (April and mid September). But these days there are more options for parents to use one more year of preschool as an enjoyable, educational, play-based 'waiting place' which will allow your child to experience the joy of being the 'big frog in the little pool' instead of the 'little frog in the big pool."

Personally, I believe your child will benefit greatly by waiting until the 5th birthday is nigh before entering Kindergarten. But to help you decide for yourself, here is a link  to a collection of "expert" opinions on both sides of this question.

http://bit.ly/wB9SMr

http://bit.ly/w1Pdxh

In the meantime, check daily on http://www.facebook.com/raymondparentingnews for my sometimes radical and sometimes common sensical parenting tips, ideas and questions for you.

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Seminar Dates for March, 2012

Posted February 25, 2012

There's a slew of Raymond Seminars coming up in March!  Easy to register for, fun to attend. 

Take a look and make your choices.

 

March 1 Sleep from the Start

In France, babies "do their nights" as early as one month of age.  At this prenatal seminar, parents-to-be learn La Pause sleep method to use with your newborn.  You may not need to do "sleep training" later on.   Kitty also addresses attachment, breast and bottle feeding and how to set up a very workable schedule to cover everything your new baby will need. 

7 PM to 8:30 PM  (newborns, grandparents welcome)

March 6  Sleep from Now On (12 lbs. and up)

Based on research that tells us babies and children require 11-12 hours of sleep overnight plus long refreshing naps for good growth and brain development, Kitty teaches you a 3-night sleep plan that will accomplish all the changes needed for your child to learn the lovely skill of self-calming.  Sleep basics to last a lifetime!  7 PM - 9 PM

March 13  Setting Healthy Limits for Children Age 1 to 4 Years

Touching everything. Not listening to "No." Clilmbing. Pushing. Hitting. Talking back. "You can't make me!" Are these normal behaviors?  The answer is yes but for tuned-in parents, it's really important to plan how you will react when faced with these difficult behaviors.  Learn how to minimize the impact of these normal stages of development. Kitty fills your toolbox, takes your questions, and helps you make a plan. 7 PM - 9 PM.

March  20  Toilet Learning the Easy Way

Who knew that YOU are the key to your child's easy path toward using the potty.  There is an easy way.  For parents of 18 month olds up to and beyone age three. 7 PM - 9 PM

March 27  Independent Play

Helping your child learn to play independently (rather than needing to be entertained by an adult all the time) is an important part of a parent's job.  This class is for parents of children all ages through preschool.  Learn how to prevent problems from occuring and how to wean your child away from your constant presence -so the real learning can begin! 7 PM - 9 PM

 

Register Here for Seminars

 

If you cannot make a seminar date or do not live in Calgary, you may access the same information for any of the above seminars through a Telephone Counseling appointment. 

 

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