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Dear Kitty, My Child Refuses to Play Alone - Ever!

Posted February 9, 2010

My little boy is 3 years old and always seems to need me to play with him.  When I tell him I'm tired of playing or have work to do, he just follows me around the house, whining and asking over and over.  I think I play quite a lot with him so it's not as if I ignore him all the time.  Of course it makes me feel guilty when I keep saying no, so usually I finally give in.  Is there a way I can teach him that he has to play alone sometimes?

K.D.

Dear K.D.

I can imagine how frustrating this must be for you.  It sounds like your child has demanded so much entertainment from you that his toys just don't look interesting to him unless you are involved.  So let's see how we can change your role and in the process, help him begin to make better use of his own imagination and ingenuity. 

On days when you are both home together, we can start by setting up two specific times when you are available for play.  Examples would be for 20 minutes right before lunch time and for 20 minutes some time around 4 PM.  You can tell him you have a new plan.  "I'm going to be busy quite a lot today so you will need to be entertaining yourself today.  We'll have two special playtimes when I can come and sit on the floor and you can tell me how we can play together.  The stove timer will ring when it's time for special playtimes.  Before I get busy, tell me if you need me to get out anything special for you.  Your craft kit? The playdough box? Your blocks and cars?"  Give him a minute to decide and if he doesn't, you can say "Let me know if you think of anything you need." 

Off you go to the kitchen or your computer or the newspaper, your novel, the phone or a project.  He'll likely come after you whining, begging, asking if it's time yet; you will now turn deliberately into a rather boring person, just answering occasionally with a short repetition of a line or two from above.  Don't elaborate or re-explain yourself because you'll get into a verbal power struggle.  Purposefully ignore all his protests. 

My prediction is that, as a last resort, he'll start learning to give up on you as constant entertainer or argue-partner and eventually his boredom will lead him to play with something!  Big victory. 

When the timer rings, you plant yourself on the floor and say "What shall we do?"  Let him be the leader, bringing you things and ideas and giving you instructions about what role to play, what book to read or what car belongs to you."  Set the timer for 20 minutes and at the bell, telll him thanks for letting you play and that it's time for lunch.

Timers are a wonderful help with this weaning process.  It may only take abut 3 days of consistency and repeats of the above statement before you see him expecting much less entertainment from you and relying on his own resourcefulness more regularly.

Good luck and thanks for writing,

Kitty

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Filed under: Daily Routines, Play

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An App for White Noise - Wow!

Posted January 26, 2010

I'm thankful to a parent wrote to tell me about an Application she downloaded to her ipod which allows her to play white noise in her baby's room during naps and nights.   This App costs around $2.00  and has a choice of several sounds (waterfall, heartbeat, ultrasound and even a hair dryier).   Parents can set a timer to determine when it goes on and off. I suggest you leave it on all night and for the duration of each 2-hour nap.

Commercial white noise machines now on the market turn off automatically after playing for only 60 minutes. I think this renders them useless - and might even wake the baby in the process. Instead these downloadable programs give parents complete control of the type of sound as well as the length of play.  Here is a link to download this App.http://appadvice.com/app/337495029

I don't have an ipod so I was happy to learn that I could download a similar program from Itunes ($.99) on to my MacBook Pro.  I can choose from many sounds and put it on a playlist and set it on repeat for the night. (itunes>white noise babies) Rather than buying an album (it will switch around sounds) I purchased just one sound ($.99) and put it on repeat for the night.

Advantages of white noise:

• White noise, especially any "sssshhhh"-like sound is a wonderful way to contribute to your newborn's self-calming skills. 
• White noise in a toddler or preschooler's room muffles the sound of a baby's cry in the room next door, making it less likely that a parent feels the need to rush right in
• White noise in parent's room helps parents remember that they are actually "off duty" for the night. Add a pair of earplugs and you are good to go!
• White noise on your holiday when you  all have to sleep in the same room, allows your baby to hear familiar sounds from home- and muffles your unavoidable noises and whispers.

Once you've said "It's nighttime, I love you, I'll see you in the morning," you can leave the room knowing you are leaving your children with peaceful, sleep-inducing theraputic sounds to comfort them as they put themselves to sleep.

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Filed under: Product Reviews, Sleep

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Why Aren’t Babies Sleeping?

Posted January 11, 2010

Why do so many babies have sleep problems?  This is a relatively recent phenomenon, in my opinion, and differs markedly from what I observed 10 or 15 years ago.  What's up?

 

  If I had to make an educated guess as to the cause of this wave of sleep disorders, I would put the blame straight on the backs of well-intentioned but overly zealous breastfeed acvocates.

  Many times parents, upon leaving the hospital with their baby, are made to sign papers testifying that they have been given advice on the benefits of breast-feeding and have heard instructions such as the following:

• Feed your baby every 2 hours around the clock
• Wake up your baby to feed if it is sleeping
• Answer all signs of infant stress/crying with the breast
• Your baby is too young to be sleep trained.
• Some babies don't need as much sleep
• It all depends on the baby
• Whenever your baby cries, she is calling for help.  You should answer every time or you might interfere with attachment.
• It is easier to have a secure attachment with a breast-fed baby than with a bottle-fed baby.
• Crying is harmful to attachment

Obviously, some parents are going to find it scary NOT to follow the above admonitions. What happens then is that very often, a baby who might well have been born to be a good sleeper is awakened so often she becomes conditioned to short sleeps and expects to be fed constantly. The people pushing breast-milk production (the reasonsometimes  given for the above rules) are not seeing the wider picture.  The overall health and well-being of a newborn depends on being fed  and getting good sleep. How the baby is fed should in no way override the baby's need for sleep and the encouragement of good sleep skills.

Let me be clear - breast-feeding is a very healthy way to feed a baby and carries obvious benefits.  But exclusive breast-feeding can be established and fit very nicely into a schedule and routine that is also designed around good sleep. 

Babies have not changed.  The mainstream, peer reviewed research on how much milk a newborn needs for good growth and development has not changed.  What has changed is that breast-feeding has become a "cause" to which many people and health regions are obsessively devoted.  Pre-natal class instructors, public health clinic nurses and some of the thousands of newly-minted breast-feeding consultants are on this band-wagon. And of course parenting books, authors, and marketers have happily joined in this campaign.

Things are out of balance for parents right now who are trying to do the best by their baby, look after good sleep and find a spot of harmony with which to carry on. When parents were allowed to make their own informed, educated choices about feeding their baby and follow their intuition towards good sleep, I didn't see this amount of anguish, confusion and stress.

Do you have an opinion on this?  Feel free to write your comments/stories, below. 

 

 

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Filed under: Feeding and Eating, Sleep

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