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Do Toddlers Need Other Toddlers to Be “Socialized?”

Posted January 19, 2012

This week I spoke with Nancy, mother of an 8 month old and a 2.5 year old toddler.  She wonders if her kids will miss out on becoming "socialized" if she decides to stay home rather than put them into a daycare or day home. "Don't they need the company of other children their own age for socialization?"

  I've heard this concern before.  Some parents who expect to have a single child feel they, in particular,  should maximize efforts to have their baby or toddler be in the company of other toddlers for reasons of "socialization." In this context, what exactly do parents mean when using the word and what is it they expect to have their child learn during this "socialization" process - that wouldn't be learned  if their child was at home in the care of a warm, engaged parent, grandparent or nanny?

Research has never shown that toddlers require the company of other toddlers in order to become social beings.  In fact, a casual observer can see for himself that when toddlers are together in a playroom it often doesn't go well at all. Children this age do not really play together - they play parallel to each other.  Most two-years olds are in the "me! and mine!" stage developmentally, and may actually feel threatened or become stressed in the presence of other toddlers. We often see aggressiveness (hitting, pushing and biting) emerge as kids eye the same toy.  The TOY reigns supreme in a toddler's mind and it's not until after age three that a child's attention shifts to caring more about the other child..than the toy. 

In the meantime, babies are busy starting their own socialization process shortly after birth.  A 4-month old who has learned to wake up more times in the night than when he was 2 months, is busy doing social learning: "Mom is available in the night and I can make her come more often!  Hooray!" (Not quite the social learning mom was hoping for!)

A baby who is starting to talk is learning language as a result of having established a social relationship with an attachment figure. 

A toddler who throws a temper tantrum because mom wouldn't pick him up on demand is learning social lessons and  experimenting with where his power lies. All these examples represent the age-appropriate socialization process necessary for children under age three to develop well.  And all these social accomplishments are dependent upon an interested adult, not upon other toddlers.

After age three we see a new awareness emerge as a child stops and takes note of the presence of another preschooler.  Does he see me?  I see what he is playing with and I wonder if I can play too.  Interest develops in whether we can play together...it looks like fun...I think I'll approach...  Now the company of other children a couple of times a week will further the socialization process begun at birth. 

A young child under age three will cope with the presence of other young children when necessary but will always rely on the adult on the horizon for a relationship upon which to base their social impressions of the world. Nancy, upon hearing this, said she felt comfortable waiting a while and was relieved to hear she wasn't guilty of depriving her child of daily contact with a group of other children.

 

Next Seminar: Helping Your Child Learn to Play Independently  Tuesday, January 24, 2012

 

 

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Are You Trying to Get Your Toddler to Clean Up Her Toys?

Posted November 20, 2011

In recent years and for a variety of reasons, parents have grown increasing concerned about how and when to teach their toddlers to clean up their toys.  This may be because parents are raising children later in their careers so adult work ethic issues create higher expectations of toddlers or maybe it's because parents tend to buy more toys for their child than any previous parenting generation and they are being driven crazy by the clutter.

"How soon can I get him to start cleaning up his toys?" is a common question in parent's minds these days. My thoughts on this matter may surprise you.

The False Pursuit of a Tidy House

PIcking up after themselves is not a typical toddler activity.  Developmentally, because of their fantastic curiosity, getting things out is a healthy, much more appropriate interest. By puirsuing this interest in touching and handling things and seeing how they work, they are making themselves smart and providing just-right stimulation for their developing brain.

"But I thought that by starting early, I could get her in the habit of putting her things away after she has played with them,"  remarked a mother of a two-year old recently.  "No," I advised, "what you'll be doing is creating a discipline problem that could have been easily avoided and one with a very low success rate." I went on to explain that I believe parents are expecting too much of toddlers and may not be fully aware of how a toddler brain works and how they learn best (age 1-3 years). 

Toddlers Learn from Watching and Copying

If you want to get your toddler to use your cell phone, all you need to do is to be seen using it yourself, very often and with some animation.  Learning will happen quickly and easily. In fact, if you sit down to "teach" cell phone use to your toddler, she will likely wander away.  Toddlers are not ready to learn from being taught but they are ready to learn by watching.  For example, I predict your toddler loves to watch and "help" you sort laundry into separate piles.  I predict your toddler loves to watch and "help" you loading or unloading the dishwasher.  You may not recognize these interests as opportunities that lead to sorting activities you can do with your child and eventually...way down the road, will lead to them having interest in putting things (laundry, dishes, toys, etc.) into their proper piles or places.

Sorting Activities are Key

Research has long shown the positive benefit on a child's growing brain from sorting items into categories.  (And, as a child grows older, re-sorting items according to different characteristics).  So first sorting a button collection (supervision required) according to colors, and next sorting them by size (big or small or things that belong to daddy vs mommy or toys that belong to the dog vs toys belonging to the toddler, to name a few examples. 

Now, as you work through a 10-minute session of you putting toys and blocks and lego away, talk out loud about how you are sorting these items.  "OK, before we can read a book, we need to put all the toys in their right places for the night.  All the trucks and cars can go in this basket.  All the dolls can go in this basket and all the people can be in this little basket.  They can all have a good sleep.  Now, the lego pieces can live here and the blocks all go in this big, yellow basket. OK, is everyone in their right places?  Good.  Now we can read a book.)

Night after night one parent or the other can go through this routine of sorting different categories of (zoo animals, farm animals, dinosaurs, etc.,) into their baskets to sleep with their same-type mates.  At first your child will simply watch and I advise you not to demand "You need to help me."  It's really your job as a parent of a child this age to be responsible for creating a continually rich educational environment , which means grouping and re-grouping play props to afford your child the best opportunity to imagine he or she  plans to play with them the next morning or after their nap is over.  

But in the meantime, you are introducing a family routine which is easy for children to catch on to.  and as you model out loud how interested you are in completing this activity, soon they want to share in and copy a little of what you are doing.

In the meantime, you are also reinforcing the idea that before we can do one thing (book) we have to somethng else (tidy).

More sorting ideas

 

Raymond Parenting News

Seminars

Toilet Learning the Easy Way  November 22, 2011

Sleep from the Start (prenatal)  December 1 2011 or January 12, 2012

Sleep from Now On (12 lbs up)   January 10, 2012

Setting Healthy Limits (discipline)  January 17, 2012

Toilet Learning the Easy Way    January 24, 2012 (plus Nov. 22, 2011)

Register

Need help right now?  Telephone Counseling is available on all seminar topics

Got a question you need answered?  Email Counseling

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Filed under: Daily Routines, Interesting Parenting Matters, Play

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Global Calgary Morning News - Calgary’s Child: Kitty Raymond

Posted October 25, 2011

Mon, Oct 24 - Potty training tips from pediatric behavioral specialist Kitty Raymond

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Filed under: News from Kitty, Interesting Parenting Matters

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