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Dear Kitty, My Child Refuses to Play Alone - Ever!

Posted February 9, 2010

My little boy is 3 years old and always seems to need me to play with him.  When I tell him I'm tired of playing or have work to do, he just follows me around the house, whining and asking over and over.  I think I play quite a lot with him so it's not as if I ignore him all the time.  Of course it makes me feel guilty when I keep saying no, so usually I finally give in.  Is there a way I can teach him that he has to play alone sometimes?

K.D.

Dear K.D.

I can imagine how frustrating this must be for you.  It sounds like your child has demanded so much entertainment from you that his toys just don't look interesting to him unless you are involved.  So let's see how we can change your role and in the process, help him begin to make better use of his own imagination and ingenuity. 

On days when you are both home together, we can start by setting up two specific times when you are available for play.  Examples would be for 20 minutes right before lunch time and for 20 minutes some time around 4 PM.  You can tell him you have a new plan.  "I'm going to be busy quite a lot today so you will need to be entertaining yourself today.  We'll have two special playtimes when I can come and sit on the floor and you can tell me how we can play together.  The stove timer will ring when it's time for special playtimes.  Before I get busy, tell me if you need me to get out anything special for you.  Your craft kit? The playdough box? Your blocks and cars?"  Give him a minute to decide and if he doesn't, you can say "Let me know if you think of anything you need." 

Off you go to the kitchen or your computer or the newspaper, your novel, the phone or a project.  He'll likely come after you whining, begging, asking if it's time yet; you will now turn deliberately into a rather boring person, just answering occasionally with a short repetition of a line or two from above.  Don't elaborate or re-explain yourself because you'll get into a verbal power struggle.  Purposefully ignore all his protests. 

My prediction is that, as a last resort, he'll start learning to give up on you as constant entertainer or argue-partner and eventually his boredom will lead him to play with something!  Big victory. 

When the timer rings, you plant yourself on the floor and say "What shall we do?"  Let him be the leader, bringing you things and ideas and giving you instructions about what role to play, what book to read or what car belongs to you."  Set the timer for 20 minutes and at the bell, telll him thanks for letting you play and that it's time for lunch.

Timers are a wonderful help with this weaning process.  It may only take abut 3 days of consistency and repeats of the above statement before you see him expecting much less entertainment from you and relying on his own resourcefulness more regularly.

Good luck and thanks for writing,

Kitty

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