Raymond Parenting

I believe that it is atrocious to schedule an infants sleep and to separate them from their parents before they are ready.  I am not willing to put the biological needs of my infant at risk so I can sleep better.  I am not willing to let my need to try and live the life I had before children get in the way of their very real needs that can affect them into their future.  it’s a sad state, when we try to make newborns act like adults!  All while increasing the risk of SIDS, emotional issues and longer-term social inabilities.

So many of these programs put down co-sleeping, bed-sharing, nighttime breasgtfeeding and skin to skin contact, when the research is clearly stating that 20 hour or more of skin to skin, bed-sharing, and other healthy family practices are what secure the brain development and emotional connections that infants need to live properly adjusted lived. 

They certainly do not need someone to ignore their needs and cries in order to train them like an animal… I’m sure that Kitty does not support this either as she is stating research that is showing that ADULT sleeplessness is related to these things, and that co-sleeping breastfeeding families get much more sleep - this is very well researched.  Kitty must be well researched and would know the effects of cortisol on the infant brain and immune system, would now the ill-effects of swaddling in regards to breastfeeding (it is contraindicated), and would know the utmost importance of nighttime parenting to secure a child’s trust and lead to very independent adults. 

As a parent educator I’d love to know more about your methods, Kitty.

By Ashley on June 3, 2010

Hello Ashley,
I see from your email that you are a doula and I understand how strongly you feel about your parenting philosophy. I believe you’ve misunderstood some of my references to “research” and I realize you and I can both claim “research” to be on our sides.

I believe that unless a child is sick or young enough to need to be fed once or twice during the night, that parents can be off duty overnight. Chronic lack of sleep for a parent or a baby can have catastrophic repercussions on the family’s well being.  However, I respect your right to teach what you believe and I will do the same.

Since you would love to know more about my methods, please be my guest at any upcoming Sleep from the Start seminar.  Drop me an email regarding the date you will be coming.

thank you for taking the time to write.

By Kitty on June 3, 2010

After re-reading my post, I have to apologize for it’s tone.  It is very sad to me when mothers come into our breastfeeding clinic with very young babies who don’t want the breast anymore, or who refuse the slower flow, or who haven’t been waking appropriately to feed due to swaddling or etc and eventually have less milk to drink leading to supplementation.  When they have to learn that it is because they were following a schedule and cutting out nighttime feeds, they get very upset and often we wish we didn’t have to talk about it - but part of a successful solution is almost always getting them off their program.  New parents stick to programs like they are biblical, and loose sight of their own instincts and babies individual needs.

In effect, though, they have created their milk supply issues, and are devastated to learn that they could have prevented it.  I get a bit worked up about it, as it is in my interest and field of study to protect infant health over and above the societal needs of the parents.  We don’t have to change what normal family looks like when we can change their expectations instead.

I am an IBCLC (lactation consultant), a researcher and do work as a doula on occasion.  I suppose I did misunderstand your references, as you quoted a sleep study that looks into the quality of sleep for adults when your e-mail title mislead us to believe you were referring to research in infant sleep.  All sound research on infant sleep and nighttime feeding shows the same thing, and I apologize if your programs are only meant for babes well past the infant stage.

I think the issue might be with when you define a child as “old enough” to not need nighttime feedings, especially breastfed babies.  There are direct links from the amount of night time feeds to brain growth, milk supply, ocular growth, and longer term attachment and social inabilities - all things that are improved with nighttime contact and feeding.  When a breastfed baby is encouraged to start weaning (aka stop nighttime feeds) before the age of 2, we are not only going against the WHO recommendations for healthy infants but are indeed jeopardizing their long-term health as well.

Sure, a 3 month old child could survive if they got all needed calories through the day, but this often leads to early weaning and other health concerns… Parents must be aware of all aspects of the advice given to make truly informed decisions.  Any health care provider ought to make sure that both risks and benefits of any parenting issue or infant health issue (of which sleep is one) are well discussed before concluding that it is right for their families.

I’ll have a look at your schedule, as I would love to come to a seminar.  If anything, it is important for us IBCLC to know what our parents are learning.  We need to be able to work with the program to protect breastfeeding and other aspects of their infants development while respecting their choices as parents to parent however they would like to.

Thanks for the invite!
Be well,
Ashley

By Ashley on June 4, 2010

To Ashley and Kitty,
I appreciate both of your perspectives, and my husband and I have spent a great deal of time thinking about and researching different methods to help our whole family (we have 3 children) grow in the most safe, healthy and nurturing ways possible. I have appreciated much of Kitty’s advice, and particularly her openness to each parent following what they ultimately think is best for their own children’s and family’s particular needs. Kitty, I think that your offer to invite Ashley as a guest to a sleep seminar is a gracious and important gesture of openness, and Ashley if you are willing I (and I am sure others) would love to hear your thoughts on the seminar after you have attended. The more we can foster genuinely open discussions (non-defensive, non-judgmental) allowing for genuine personal choice (without feeling attacked or judged), the better for us all.

Thank you both…

By Betty on June 4, 2010

As a parent of 3, and an early childhood educator, I thank you Kitty for providing such great resources for the community and families. I do have a brain of my own, instincts of my own and knowledge beyond what I hear in a “class”. I think it is the job of all parents to think critically about what is best for them and their children and parent accordingly. THERE IS NO ONE BEST WAY!!!! I understand that many parents are very passionate about what works for them and their family, but when these beliefs are pushed on others I think we are setting starting to cross the line. The bottom line is that children need to be safe and loved, period. How one family chooses to provide that love and safety may differ largely from another family? Who are we to judge!!! Thank you Kitty for your courage, knowledge and patience. I will continue to read, think and observe how to best parent MY children.

By Amber on June 7, 2010

I have nothing but positive things to say about how happy all our family members are thanks to many of the different kinds of advice we have learned from Kitty.
Essentially, what we’ve learned is that babies and children should not be pushed. They should not be pushed mercilessly to breastfeed if it isn’t working for them; they should not be forced to stay up when they are tired; they should not be forced to share when they’re not developmentally ready and they should not be forced to adhere to our busy schedules!
Scheduling a baby is not pushing him. It is giving him the opportunity to get out what he needs to release and to find his own resources to self calm and thus become a well adjusted and confident baby, toddler and young man.  Both of our children, to varying degrees, have learned how to make themselves feel better and they are both well rested. Being well rested has helped them learn to eat when they’re hungry, to develop their imaginations and to do things in their own time. Yes, this involves scheduling them.  Routine is not a bad word in our family and I believe that most humans thrive on routine, with some exceptions of course, to keep things interesting! 
The opposite of schedules is, from my own personal experience with my children ( when I ‘ve had to take them out of their routines ) and from my observations of other people’s children is this:  I see exhausted, stressed out and inhibited children. Their parents also seem quite stressed out and exasperated that their kids won’t do what they want them to( again, with some exceptions ).
I also want to mention that learning how to deal with my children being upset has helped me learn to breastfeed!  With my first child, I couldn’t bear to hear or see him cry and thus I was extremely tense and breastfeeding went out the window. Latching him was so awful ( due to my panicked interpretation of his crying ), that I gave up. With my second son, I first decided to give him bottles to make sure he wasn’t hungry and then when he cried due to some frustration while learning to latch, I relaxed. The result?  A great latch! Now I almost exclusively breastfeed but since I like to do what’s best for our whole family, dad gets to give our son a bottle once a day… our son loves the formula: yummy!  By the way, our first son, who was left to cry for many naps in order to help him learn how to sleep, is one of the happiest and most curious people we ( and others ) have ever met.  Our attachment couldn’t be stronger and according to his pediatrician, he’s in great health ( and he looks so good too: shiny hair, bright eyes, smiling a lot! ). 
Finally, my husband and I have had to make some importance changes in our lives in order to help our children live a relaxed life. We plan our day so that they can sleep when they need to—- in a comfortable crib/bassinet—We have changed our schedules for them, not, as one could assume, have we forced them to adhere to a schedule that suits us!

Keep up the great work Kitty. Both my husband and I (and Ben and Dan )are very grateful that we found you!

I am just sick, like Kitty, that our medical system is ignoring the very real need to help children learn how to sleep.  I have twice seen how much work women put into learning how to breastfeed. This is not an easy process and a lot of crying is involved from both baby and mom.  Women soldier on and put up with physical pain and sometimes don’t even offer their crying babies bottles when they’re very hungry. Why then is it so inconceivable that we let a baby cry himself to sleep?  The inconsistency is clear.

By Alexandra on June 8, 2010

Ashley,
I know of no mother in real life in my large circle of mommy friends who would continue to breastfeed at night up to age 2. To suggest that not doing so is jeopardizing our babies health is, in my opinion, ridiculous! My child stopped nightfeeds at 6 months of age, continues to flourish beautifully now at 15 months, and the whole family is happy. I can’t imagine still breastfeeding once or twice a night at this age!!

By Victoria on June 15, 2010