Power Struggles With In-Laws

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Posted December 1, 2008

Dear Kitty,

I appreciated your newsletter last week about toilet learning. It made me think about how several of my past and recent problems aren't so much problems for me as they are problems for my in-laws (and therefore for me!).

I really admire my in-laws and value the opportunities they offer my children. In many ways they are awesome. The problem is that they impose their own rules without respect for what I might have just said to my kids (examples: she'll tell my son he has to have his boots on the right feet when I'm thinking he did really well to put his boots on at all and at her bidding; at her cabin, she seems to need to prevail even if it means she contradicts something I've just said to my son. I find myself trying to explain to him that at Grandma's house we need to do things differently and I even heard myself say "I guess mommy needs to learn the rules too, at Grandma's house" in an effort to explain some of her contradictions.

Normally I stay quiet because I'm so grateful for their generosity with their time in letting us get away for short trips, etc. And while they are in charge, I let them do what they feel is right. The problem is when I've already said something and my m-i-l contradicts me in front of my son. I think I need to develop some non-confrontational ways of communicating this to her.

I would value your insight, as well as that from any other parents who share this problem.

I think you've stated this common problem very well and that you are being fair in your assessment of grandparents who are well-intentioned, highly interested, and loving to you and your children.

As you probably know, I am a grandmother too and have, I hope, avoided the urge to say or imply "At grandma's house we do it this way..." as a way of supposedly teaching my grandchildren's parents how important it is to maintain certain standards or to show off my good relationship with their child or to pass down some of the 'wisdom' of my own generation.

Every parent hopes for the support and respect of the previous generation as they wend their own way through the complex world of parenting. I think your plan to find non-confrontational ways of communicating how much you value their decisions and authority when you aren't present yet how important it is that they respect your authority when you are present, is a very good idea.

Some wording that comes to mind is:
"Let's leave the right - foot, left - foot issue for another time (said to your mother-in-law with a smile). Off we go."
"I've already said he only needs to eat what he is hungry for tonight." (smile)
"Let's see if there is a spill and if there is, we can use the booster seat." (smile)

These statements can be firmly made in a friendly, confident way. Statements like these will set a new tone and it is important that your in-laws here these statements from your husband as well.

Raymond Parenting

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