Blog » Oppositional 3 Year Old
Oppositional 3 Year Old
Posted November 10, 2008
Dear Kitty,
I'm writing because my husband and I are pulling our hair out as a result of our son’s behavior the last few days. He's acting very oppositional, for example: when told to do something he doesn't want to - get out of his pajamas, have a bath, put away a toy - he'll shout "NO!" at close range, or alternatively, "I don't LIKE you!". Or, he'll start to stomp his feet and flail his arms in some sort of feeble attempt to hit whatever is around him - the wall, his toys, and so on. With the shouting, he gets the "pivot" or a time out, being told "no shouting at mom/dad"; with the flailing, we just walk away. I sense with the former behavior, he's testing his limits with us, and with the latter, he's just trying to get attention. We don't know what's causing this - he still doesn't watch TV, he's had no new books lately, no new social interactions - but we're more concerned with how to manage it. On Sunday, after shouting and refusing to get out of his pajamas, he ran to his room, shut the door, and didn't come out. After all the time-outs for shouting, hitting, etc., 2 hours had passed and we began to wonder if, by leaving him in his pajamas, we were giving him exactly what he wanted. At 3 (3 yrs 3 months), is he allowed to shout at us? It's certainly not the way I'd like to interact with him. But how much of an explanation is "No shouting at Mommy" for a 3 yr old, anyway? We're stumped. Any ideas on how to handle this? I'd like to nip it in the bud, because as is my tendency, I see us on one of those "Nanny" shows in about 3 weeks' time.
YOU will never be on a nanny show, because you are way too clever. Look at how many things you've already conquered as you've been helping him grow up.
Yes, you do have to put up with a 3-year-old shouting mean things at you because that's exactly how kids his age now show their anger (verbal temper tantrum). You have to be ready for it and ready to ignore it, as if you didn't even hear it. When you say 'no shouting at mommy' you are giving him too much information about what bugs you and you'll get more of it. Instead, just be sure that whatever you've said he could or couldn't do is followed and ignore the noise.
I need to mention, though, that I think you may be expecting too much of him at his age. It's very unlikely and unusual that he would do the things you've mentioned, on command. Instead you could say, "Ok, we need to get your pajamas off. Can you do it by yourself or do you need my help." Once in a while he'll want to do it himself and other times he'll either ask for help or ignore what you said, which means you just do it immediately, without any more talking. Always ask again the next night, same wording.
As for toy pick-up, he's also too young for that to happen reliably. So, "We have time to read a book before bed if we can get some of these blocks put away (be specific). I think we should get busy”. You start, and if he ignores you or just watches you, then you take as long as it takes to do some of it and after you are done, say "Oh, darn, I had to do the tidy-up by myself, so it took longer and now there is no time for a book tonight. We'll try it again tomorrow night." He'll have a fit and you will just put him to bed screaming and yelling. But tomorrow night may be a lot better. Use the same wording, and consequence, exactly. Other times of the day if you need to make a request, link it to a favorite activity or lunch or snack. "Yes, your snack is ready but we need to put your shoes away first." If no action, “Let me know when the shoes are ready and then we can get the snack –or TV or head to the park…or whatever you wish to link it to.
For things you need to do like bath, you can say, "It's time for a bath. Do you want a bath or shower?" If he resists, then you take him into the shower with you and get the job done as fast as you can. You can see it really has to be worth it. And all the hate you words he throws out fall on deaf ears. He has a right to be mad, and you have a right to insist he obey, but I suggest lowering your expectations around what you are asking, at least in some of those examples.
Filed under: Discipline
