Blog » Instead of Praise? Try Low-Key, Positive Observations
Instead of Praise? Try Low-Key, Positive Observations
Posted July 2, 2009
Your child will want it again and he'll want more. Typically, children who receive lots of praise from parents will begin to look for it and even demand it if it isn't immediately forthcoming. When the parent then tries to tone it down and help the child value his accomplishments himself - without the praise - the child may stop playing or working entirely. Praise, particularly constant, frequent praise, causes the child to become dependent on an outside judge in order to feel good about himself.
So if not with praise, how can you best show your child your approval and admiration? I suggest using low-key, positive observations. Here is how these might sound:
"Daddy! I went down the slide!" "Did you? Was that fun?" (said with obvious interest, but allowing the feelings of accomplishment to remain within the child)
"Watch me throw the ball!" "You are throwing that ball! How did you learn to do that?" (a perfectly satisfactory low-key observation - non-addictive yet carries a tone of approval)
"Look! I drew a picture!" "I see. You worked hard on that."
In your question, you mentioned you never received praise as a child. I would like to suggest that in particular, what you might have missed out on were clear signs of approval from your parents. Expressions of approval of and genuine interest in a child by the parents are two of the best strategies for giving children confidence. I'm reading a book right now called The Self-Esteem Trap: Raising confident and Compassionate Kids in an Age of Self-Importance by Polly Young-Eisendrath, PhD. It's a trap I can relate to. My first child was born during the height of what I now see was a campaign designed to boost the self-esteem of every child via the heavy use of praise, constant recognition and pep talks about a chlld's exceptionality. As a parent, I fell for it hook line and sinker and even taught the basics of this self-esteem movement to other parents during the 1980's. That this theory has now so soundly been proven wrong has contributed to my cautious approach to parenting campaigns in general.
Let's think of infants as having been born with a strong tendency to believe in themselves. Our job as parents is not to build or boost or create self-esteem--we just need to do our parenting in ways that support and maintain what each child comes with. A topic for a future blog will be keeping parental expectations appropriate to the age of the child. Expecting or demanding skills or learning that are inappropriate for the age - can wreak havoc with self-esteem.
Thanks for your good question. I hope we hear from other parents on this subject.
Kitty
Filed under: Interesting Parenting Matters
Comments
I believe that if anything is to be praised, it is the effort a kid makes and not a personal attribute or specific achievement.
I’ve heard of research that has shown that praise for a child’s attributes can lead them to believe that any success they have is due to those innate attributes. In the end, this can mean that, for example, if a child believes they are smart, they won’t try to play sports because they believe it’s not what they are good at, and they don’t want to fail.
If, instead, effort is observed or commended, kids learn that the process can be rewarding, that winning isn’t everything, and that trying to conquer a new challenge can be rewarding regardless of success or failure.
I’ve heard of another study that was done of Olympic athletes to find if there was a defining personal characteristic that they have in common. What was found was that it is their ability to accept failure, and move on. The best athletes in the world are the ones that are most able to lose a race, and immediately thereafter pick themselves up and say, “When is the next race?”. It’s the focus on the process and effort put into running a race, and not the definition of self through winning or losing that makes these people successful.
By Mike on July 2, 2009
I have thought many times about praising my daughter… I worry that saying things like “What a smart girl you are!” “What a strong girl” would tell her that I value smartness and strength or other attributes and encourage those at the detriment to others. I think Kitty’s low key approach is an excellent way to allow kids to develop their own personalities with our approvals and showing them pride in themselves. Of course I think its also important to tell my daughter I’m proud of her but to telling her in a more general sense rather than saying I’m proud of something specific.
By Jenn on July 3, 2009
This is very interesting to me! I often hear myself saying ‘good job!’ or ‘what a good climber you are!’. Hmmm. So, I guess this isn’t so much a comment as a question, do you recommend that book, Kitty? (The Self Esteem Trap).
Thanks.
By Erin Monteiro on July 8, 2009
As a teacher, and a new mom, I can relate to to this topic. As I grow as a teacher, I can tell that my students thrive when I focus on their work, not on their personalities. I do give praise but I limit it to their work and only if it’s good work. I also add a dash of constructive criticism. It’s paid off and it helps us build mutual respect. This too could apply to raising a child. My son is still very young but we’ve already fallen into the trap of getting too excited about very little things. I’m now trying to show him interest in what he’s doing, giving low-key, observational comments that I find spur him on to show me new things and keep working on discovering his environment. Hopefully his future teachers will be mindful of this evolution away from empty praise.
By withheld on July 9, 2009
I’ve read these comments with great interest. I can see that parents are concerned, as I am, about how to be encouraging with your parenting without leaving your child dependent on praise. The Self-Esteem Trap is an excellent book - a bit haunting to me because I see how far we are from comfortable allowing our children to grow up feeling average or ordinary. I’ll blog about this, next Monday.
By Kitty on July 10, 2009
