Bedtime Delay Tactics

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Posted August 20, 2008

Dear Kitty,

I feel that our "sleep time" serenade with our child has gotten out of hand. The process seems to take up to a half hour: "time to get ready for bed", brush the teeth, wash the face, put on a night diaper, pjs on, read a book (maybe two), hop into bed, talk about the day, sing a song and good night. While that in it self isn't so bad, throughout the process she fusses, disagrees, wants this and wants that, etc. adding more and more minutes to the evening. I am unsure when and for what I should be disciplining her. Do I ignore all her whining and disagreements, etc and just plough through the process? Or at the first sign of a power struggle to I put an end to it and put her straight to bed?

There’s not a parent out there who hasn’t been through nights like this. You start early, you are in a good mood, and by the time you’re done, you feel frustrated, exhausted, and still your child is unhappy as you say goodnight.

Often, parents try to make the bedtime routine represent too many things. We hope it will be a warm and pleasant ending-of-the-day for our children, and we hope it will leave us feeling like good, patient, loving parents. The fact is, it’s the end of the day, and everyone’s energy is low. In the summer, bedtimes may be later and resistance may be strong. Parents give in to one more drink, another stuffed animal, or a fifth hug in hopes that our children will finally say “There, that’s enough, mom and dad. I know you love me and I’m having a wonderful childhood. Go rest yourselves. Goodnight.”

There is a better way. Research shows that the longer the bedtime routine, the harder it is for children to part with us. Short and concise are key words that describe a much more successful bedtime routine. Consider the following five-step plan for a happier bedtime.

1. Give a five-minute reminder that bedtime is coming. In five minutes, take child physically with you to dress for bed and diaper if needed. Or let her sleep in what she has on. No coaxing, reminding – just do it. They don’t have to be happy or particularly co-operative about this for you to still get it done quickly.

2. Physically take her into the bathroom, fix the toothbrush, and while she chews on the toothbrush, you tell her that tonight you have time to tell her the “Story of her day” if the brushing goes well. If she dawdles, gets silly, refuses to cooperate, you carry her off to bed and tell her that she’ll have a chance for The Story of the Day, tomorrow night. Say a bedtime phrase and leave her to cry to sleep. Tomorrow night will likely go better because of your decisive action tonight.

3. After a cooperative brushing, take her to her bed and if all is going smoothly, tell her the Story. “Once upon a time there was a child named __________ (your child’s name). He/she got out of bed in the morning and had _____ for breakfast. …” Now, you proceed to tell the “story” of your child’s day. Keep it simple and short -3-5 minutes – and include any outings, visits, tantrums, hurts or surprises because they like those best! End the story like this: “…and then she brushed her teeth cooperatively and there was time to tell her the Story of the Day.”

4. Before you leave the room, set her up with water, a light, books to look at, and a choice of 2 animals. Try not to deviate from this set-up plan, and try not to forget anything. Put on music if you use it, and turn on a fan or white noise if you use it. Unplug your baby monitor! Tell her that if she thinks of more things she needs, she can tell you in the morning. Make it clear that even if she calls or cries, you’ll see her in the morning.

5. Briefly, hug her once and say “it’s night time, I love you, I’ll see you in the morning.” Leave the room, close and secure the door. What about the bedtime book? Personally, I think the Story of the Day works better. You remain completely in charge of how long the Story is and what points you intend to emphasize. For example: “At the park, the little boy named _____forgot the rules and threw sand at a little boy. His mommy picked him up quickly and said Oops! you forgot the rule, so we have to go home! And ____cried all the way home! But pretty soon, he felt better and his mom fixed some grapes for a snack.”

Lots of things to think about here. What about bath time? Some parents love bath time, so start it early if you plan to include it, but only include it if it really goes well and you have the energy for it. Personally, I like to have a bath occur every other day and as part of the daytime activity so when I want to sit and read a novel while my (grand)child plays in the bath. Suit yourself, but remember how tired you are at the end of the day and how many opportunities baths present for children to practice delay tactics.

What age? The principals of a pragmatic, relatively short bedtime start early, probably around 1 year. Ending with a song (same one every night) works for babies who aren’t yet ready for the “Story of The Day.”

Raymond Parenting

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