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Toilet Training for Pre-school

Posted April 10, 2009

Dear Kitty,

My 3-year old daughter is registered for preschool in September.  Of course, the preschool wants her to be potty trained and we've been working on it but some days she gets it and some days she doesn't.  I've told her she can't go to preschool unless she is using the potty, but now she is saying she doesn't want to go to preschool.  Help!

You aren't the only parent beginning to worry.  This week's Toilet Learning seminar registration is larger than at other times of the year. I'm sure this is no coincidence.

Preschool 'by-laws' are gradually evolving, thank goodness.  Some are still very strict but most are reasonable.  If your child has a thin pull-up on for some weeks most teachers will turn a blind eye.  I'm not suggesting you lie about how complete the toilet training job is, but I do suggest you be...vague in your answer.  "It is coming along very well, though I will send her in a pull-up at first just to save you any time or trouble."

Luckily, children usually don't poop during the 2 hour of preschool.  They are distracted by activities and usually wait until they get home.  If they happen to pee in their pull-up during this time, no one need be the wiser.  Tell her if this happens, you can change her when she gets home.

Your daughter's claim that she doesn't want to go to preschool (because of strings attached) is the best reminder for parents not to use this as a threat.  Instead, you can say "You have a very smart body.  I know that.  Your body is working hard to figure out peeing and pooping.  It's doing a good job and that is all we need to know."

I wish we didn't have artificial deadlines imposed by school and I wish we didn't have peer or generational pressure from people keeping track of eachchild's progress.  Nearly every parent I know approaches this so-called milestone with some trepidation.  We need to remember that every body gets it eventually and when or how should remain your family's private business.

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False Start with Toilet Training

Posted February 10, 2009

Dear Kitty,

My two-year old daughter (2 as of July) started showing interest in using the potty last April. We didn't push anything but we didn't want to ignore her interest either. We didn't know exactly what to do, but we bought a potty and she actually peed in it 2-3 times right before her bath. She was very excited, and of course we were too. A week or so later, however, she would say "no" to sitting on the potty before the bath. We tried putting her there anyway, but it got to be a struggle, so we quit. Now she seems to want nothing to do with the potty. We aren't sure where we went wrong. How do we perk up her interest again?

I can really understand your confusion over whether your daughter was showing you signs of "readiness" and if so, why did she change her mind. For many children between 18 and 24 months there occurs what I call a "false start." This is a little burst of interest in copying parent's behavior and experimenting with a new potty, enjoying the parent's reactions, etc. The majority of toddlers quickly tire of this once the novelty wears off. If this was any other type of behavior like wanting to carry your hairbrush around all the time, you wouldn't think twice about it nor mind when she soon lost interest.

This however, is something all parents dream about: a toddler who demonstrates "readiness" at a young age. You feel excited and put a lot of effort into facilitating her new interest, now suggesting the potty before the bath, cheering, etc. When the novelty wears off - parents are left holding the potty, so to speak, and wonder what they did wrong.

Most children will finally master using the potty or toilet reliably and independently -- some time between age 3 and 4 years. Research has outlined this expectation for us. But most parents from around age 19 months will spend the next 18 months in some form of "training," often feeling very frustrated at the results. Worse still, many will get stuck in a power struggle with their child and this is a struggle with no good ending.

My suggestion now is that you remain aware of the positive impact of modelling of your bathroom skills by allowing her to watch and hear about all the small steps there are involved; many children whose parents have simply modelled bathroom behavior will gradually train themselves just by copying. If not, once they reach age 3, you can be sure all readiness is in place and it's time to embark on a training program such as I present in my seminar. It usually takes only about a week or so.

I address the subtleties of Toilet Learning the Easy Way in an evening seminar. However, for parents with children over age three who have become resistant to toilet training for one reason or another, I suggest a Telephone Counseling appointment as a better approach to solving problems that have arisen.

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