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Building Resilience with Games

Posted April 1, 2009

This excellent question appeared recently on the ParentsNet discussion board:

I have a 5 year old who is, typically, into playing games (card games, clue, parcheesi etc.). She plays with her friends and us, her parents. When I play with her, I don't try to win, nor do I try to lose, figuring that she will win some and lose some. Which is how it happens. Twice now though, she has reacted to losing in a negative way. The first time, she kicked the Clue board, threw the pieces across the carpet and was very very mad. After briefly explaining that she was being a poor loser and all that entails, I suggested she head upstairs for some quiet time. Today, she lost at Snap and she snapped. I reacted by reminding her that losing is part of playing and she wasn't losing well and that we wouldn't be playing any more games today but we could try again tomorrow. She got really really mad, I got lots of evil eyes and sour looks. While I can empathize how hard it is to lose at the age of 5, I'm wondering if there's anything else I should be doing or saying to discourage the bad losing? Kitty, what are your recommendations on this topic?

Some day you may appreciate the humor in the picture you've painted - Clue board and pieces flying - but I'm sure in the moment it's a very unpleasant scene. It's a good reminder for parents that kids at 5 years of age are likely to be going through a highly competitve stage.  For one thing, it's somewhat new for them to understand the complexities and rules of playing games any more sophisticated than bingo and then on top of that, we ask them to be a good loser. This usually reaches beyond their scope.

I think you handled the situation very well, telling her there won't be any more games today but we can try again tomorrow.  Gradually, in an effort to keep the games going, she'll at least lower the level of steam when she loses, though for a while her disappointment may feel profound to her.

As time goes on, I bet you'll observe her being able to look back and say ...well, at least I won last time (and eventually) ...maybe next time I'll win!

A long time from now, you may even hear "Good for you, mom!"

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Time Management with a Toddler

Posted February 1, 2009

Dear Kitty,

This may sound like a silly question, but sometimes I have trouble filling my day when my 18 month old and I are home together. He would love to have me play with him the whole time but somehow I think I should put a limit on that. I would appreciate your advice on what a toddler's day should look like, in a very general way, of course, knowing that every day is not exactly identical.

I think your question is a good one and I agree with you that constant entertainment by a parent is not in a child's best interest. Creativity and resourcefulness will result as your child experiences regular times during the day when he needs to rely on himself and his own ideas for entertainment.

What follows is an excerpt from an as yet unpublished book I've written called "Parenting: Keep It Simple". This section addresses your question:

Managing Your Time with a Toddler in the House

This can be very challenging. Children ages one and two years may test parents by willingly becoming "hooked" on any kind of entertainment the parent will offer, especially if it means going out of the house, being picked up, played with, etc. Many toddlers seem to resist entertaining themselves. Yet, because we know that free play with interesting play props and without an adult directly involved is the way toddlers do their best learning, I encourage parents to schedule 'alone' time for their toddler. Here might be a typical toddler's day:

7:00am Get up and putter* / eat breakfast / putter again while parent is also having their breakfast.
8:00am Independent playtime (45 minutes) in room, with door or gate secured while parent showers, or eats or is otherwise busy. (happy or not, this is important time for a toddler)
9:00am Time to putter, following caregiver; "helping" with jobs
10:00am Watch short program, video, or listens to book on tape
10:30am Read stories with parent or caregiver
11:00am trip out to park, mall, groceries, back yard
12:00am lunch
12:30 -1:00pm go down for a nap which lasts approximately 2 hours or more
3:00pm wake up, listen to book on tape, 30 minute video, or music
3:30pm read books with parent or caregiver
4:00pm a walk outside, groceries, play in snow, rain, etc.
5:00pm solitary playtime in room (45 minutes) with door or gate secured (happy or not is OK)
6:00pm supper, bath, stories
7:00pm bed time
7:30pm parents eat supper by candlelight!

This chart is intended as a suggestion of how a parent can manage time with a toddler in the house. The day will probably always go best when the same general routine is followed day after day. Toddlers do not seem to thrive on variety. They prefer events to be predictable.

It is important for the parent of a child this age to practice "healthy selfishness" by building in time for yourself throughout the day, not just to get work done but to read a novel, drink tea sitting down and model for your child that parents have interests, too.

*Puttering refers to a child wandering about, picking up small portable objects and bringing them to an adult, walking away, wandering back, whining a bit for possible attention, then going over to a cupboard or toy when adult attention isn't forthcoming.

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TV Programs for Kids

Posted December 10, 2008

Dear Kitty,

I read your article on rating programs but a lot of these don't seem to be on TV anymore.  I've tried to completely avoid letting my son (23 months) watch cartoons but now he seems to be quite interested.  So the odd time I do allow him to watch something I'd like it to be "good".  I've recorded a few Max & Rubys & Little Bears. Would if be possible for you to please pass along some good shows?  And ones to avoid that are out there now but aren't on your list?  As always, thanks so much!

To give you the best answer regarding recommended children's television programs, I asked other parents to write in to provide a list of programs they particularly like their child to watch.

Notice I didn't ask for the shows your child "loves".  We are a better judge of which shows are beneficial from the following standpoints:

• It peaks your child's curiosity
• It is not over-stimulating with constant flashing, high chirpy, unreal voices, etc.
• People or animals are nice to each other and model behaviors you want your child to see

In addition, I asked readers to tell us which shows do they do not want their child to watch and why?

Here are the comments I received:

"Our son’s (3 years, 10 months) favorite show of the moment are “Super Why” and “Wilbur”. Both promote reading and use familiar stories to explain a moral, or story. Both “look in a book” for an answer. He can’t read yet, but has always cherished his books, so both these shows play on that interest. Characters are kind and gentle, and motion is not too fast paced. Backyardigans have been a constant. They’re quite kind to one another (though Tasha is a bossy one), they go on some exciting adventures and the music doesn’t grate on parents like some of the others. Diego and Dora are popular with him, but nothing like his preference for Super Why. Usually, one of Super Why (or Wilbur) a day is enough to satiate his tv craving.

When he was younger (2 – 2.5), he enjoyed “Franklin” and “Little Bear”, but they seem young for him now, or maybe he’s more into the novelty of “super Why” and “Wilbur”. Elmo’s world was also a good one for him too.

We are not fans of Miss Spider’s Sunny Patch – the big white spider scares our son. He does watch Nemo, but we skip chapters through some parts. Most Disney films have too many villains and other than “edited” Nemo, we have yet to find something appropriate.

Hope that helps and I am looking forward to hearing others top picks!"

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"My son is almost 4 and mostly watches the Backyardigans. He likes to re-enact the adventures they have by himself or with his friends who also watch the show. The voices are calm and animation is easy on the eyes and the characters are kind to each other. It has also sparked his interest in pretending. The basis of the show is the friends get together in their backyards and pretend they are somewhere else and have adventures together. When he was 2, we enjoyed watching Poko and Little Bear.

We have a pvr and only record the backyardigans, so I am not sure which other shows are on right now and can’t comment about which shows I don’t like. Actually I know I don’t like Dora and Diego because the voices are loud and annoying.
We are really enjoying the weekly newsletter!!"

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"My daughter will be 3 in May and highly verbal. She gets about 30 – 45 minutes of TV about 4 times a week and we’ve recently started “movie night” with her on the weekend.

Shows I like for her:

Toopie and Binou – Toopie does have high chirpy unreal voice, but the show is very funny and I think the things they do – have a parade of toys, puppet shows, tell various bedtime stories, etc. – spark the imagination. It started off I think as a French program and little Toopie and Binow books are available in French at Librairie Monette, so it is a nice way to introduce a second language too.

Dora the Explorer and Go Diego Go – very commercial, but they are adventurers, out in the world doing interesting things. Kids learn about animals, etc. And the books actually are good for developing language, counting, ABC’s, and a tidbit of Spanish. Despite being so commercial, I don’t mind these shows at all.

Franklin – There is always some moral to the story. Hope this helps!"

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"My picks for t.v. shows are: Curious George (my favourite for a long, long time) and Caillou.

I prefer my child not watch Dora the Explorer because it is annoying and you really don't learn anything - I also do not like Sesame Street - the creatures are too hard to understand. I hope this helps!"

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 "My son is 5 and we love Curious George (CBC and PBS), Franklin (treehouse), Handy Manny (Disney – channel 39), Mickey Mouse Clubhouse (channel 39) and Pinky Dinky Doo (CBC) at our house. We took Kitty’s advice a few years ago and taped some Mr. Rogers off the tv and he quite likes that too. My one year old daughter seems to enjoy Barney, but basically gets stuck watching whatever my son puts on – she doesn’t really seem to care. I am still pretty particular with what they watch, but as my son has gotten older, I have loosened the boundaries a bit. I think he is still the only 5 year old that has only ever seen one movie in his lifetime and that was part of his birthday present when he turned 5."

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"My son will be three in June and started watching television when he was two years old. We experimented with quite a few different programs both on television and on DVD and found a few which we don’t mind him watching and which he also seems to enjoy.

 On television: (mainly treehouse, some CBC or PBS) Max and Ruby, Babar, Mighty Machines

DVDs include: Raffi, Little Einstein

As an adult, I enjoy the Backyardigans but he doesn’t seem to be able to follow the story line yet so he gets bored quickly. On occasion, we watch Curious George or Franklin. I try to stay away from Thomas because I find the story lines a little negative. No Disney yet as they all seem to have “scary monkeys” (a dark character of some type)"

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