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Dear Kitty, My Child Refuses to Play Alone - Ever!
Posted February 9, 2010
My little boy is 3 years old and always seems to need me to play with him. When I tell him I'm tired of playing or have work to do, he just follows me around the house, whining and asking over and over. I think I play quite a lot with him so it's not as if I ignore him all the time. Of course it makes me feel guilty when I keep saying no, so usually I finally give in. Is there a way I can teach him that he has to play alone sometimes?
K.D.
Dear K.D.
I can imagine how frustrating this must be for you. It sounds like your child has demanded so much entertainment from you that his toys just don't look interesting to him unless you are involved. So let's see how we can change your role and in the process, help him begin to make better use of his own imagination and ingenuity.
On days when you are both home together, we can start by setting up two specific times when you are available for play. Examples would be for 20 minutes right before lunch time and for 20 minutes some time around 4 PM. You can tell him you have a new plan. "I'm going to be busy quite a lot today so you will need to be entertaining yourself today. We'll have two special playtimes when I can come and sit on the floor and you can tell me how we can play together. The stove timer will ring when it's time for special playtimes. Before I get busy, tell me if you need me to get out anything special for you. Your craft kit? The playdough box? Your blocks and cars?" Give him a minute to decide and if he doesn't, you can say "Let me know if you think of anything you need."
Off you go to the kitchen or your computer or the newspaper, your novel, the phone or a project. He'll likely come after you whining, begging, asking if it's time yet; you will now turn deliberately into a rather boring person, just answering occasionally with a short repetition of a line or two from above. Don't elaborate or re-explain yourself because you'll get into a verbal power struggle. Purposefully ignore all his protests.
My prediction is that, as a last resort, he'll start learning to give up on you as constant entertainer or argue-partner and eventually his boredom will lead him to play with something! Big victory.
When the timer rings, you plant yourself on the floor and say "What shall we do?" Let him be the leader, bringing you things and ideas and giving you instructions about what role to play, what book to read or what car belongs to you." Set the timer for 20 minutes and at the bell, telll him thanks for letting you play and that it's time for lunch.
Timers are a wonderful help with this weaning process. It may only take abut 3 days of consistency and repeats of the above statement before you see him expecting much less entertainment from you and relying on his own resourcefulness more regularly.
Good luck and thanks for writing,
Kitty
Filed under: Daily Routines, Play
Childcare Decisions are Difficult
Posted October 7, 2009
Dear Kitty,
My husband and I are struggling to make a childcare decision for our 14 month old daughter. Our situation is different from some because I will be working full time and my husband can work from home. Based on what friends are doing and what I've been able to read, however, we aren't sure if this is what is best for our baby or not. Some people say that a daycare centre is the best choice because kids will learn socialization, have so much to play with and be well stimulated to learn. Other friends say their child gets sick too often in a centre so they're using a dayhome where there are about 4 other kids plus theirs. My sister has a nanny who comes to her house, bringing her own baby along. Then we have the option of our daughter staying home with dad, but we worry she may get bored without kids around and what if he can't get any work done? Please tell me which of these options you recommend. We are exhausted trying to sort this out! PQ
Dear PQ,
I know many parents feel stress when making work decisions and choosing childcare arrangements. I believe the stress is primarily due to the abundance of differing opinions on this topic, coupled with the paucity of clear research. Based on having watched this struggle evolve over the past 25 years, I will list my preferences in descending order (1st choice first) and mention some pros and cons of each. Keep in mind that childcare choices is a "hot button" topic, much like choices women make to work/not work outside the home or breastfeed/bottle feed, etc. Many people may disagree with me or feel uncomfortable with my recommendations - so let's get a conversation going.
1. Full-time parental care (complimented by babysitting/childcare 2x/week (4 hours+-) plus babysitting for a date night 1x week)
Pros: children under 3 thrive in the care of family members -including grandparents - because these individuals are most likely to be "tuned in" to child's interests, needs, victories and sources of curiosity. Non-family care reduces this liklihood to a degree.
Cons: lower income, lack of support/appreciation for at-home parenting, lonliness, difficulty finding part-time babysitting to provide important breaks, complications of working at home.
2. Twenty hours per week parental care (complimented by 20 or so hours per week of basically safe, hired childcare (grandparent,babysitter,nanny,dayhome,centre)
Pros: research in 1980's by Dr. Jay Belsky and others proposed 20 hours per week as the approximate, minimum amount parental care required to maintain the parent as the primary influence on the child's self-image, ability to form relationships, response to discipline, value system, curiosity and perspective on the world. Naturally statements like this by a highly respected researcher doing a longtitudinal study on the effects of early daycare insensed the daycare advocates of that time, of which there were many.
Cons: none
4. Full-time nanny care in the child's home, with at least one parent keeping work hours as short as possible (nanny lives out to avoid more "cons")
Pros: child does not have to be awakened, dressed, hurried to leave home. Sleep habits remain consistent, child's schedule can be followed, care can be tailored to some degree.
Cons: much depends on nanny's willingness to follow parent's lead. The longer the hours the more important are nanny's personality, patience, interest, style
5. Full-time substitute care taking place away from child's home
- a registered, approved dayhome with regulations restricting the number of children allowed to be in the care of one person
- an informal dayhome provider whose childcare style you really like and who has a small number of children (3-4 including your child and her own)
- a non-profit daycare centre such as found in your workplace, where parents can drop in, staff is well paid with good benefits
- a for-profit daycare centre where you will still drop in unexpectedly and inquire about staff's pay, benefits and length of service, etc.
For children under 3 (and to a degree for those over 3) full days in the constant company of other children will be tiring and may be overstimulating. Children under age 3 do not benefit yet from the companionship of other children, but experience tells us that a most children will learn to cope if placed in this type of care. Group care situations are greatly enhanced if there is at least one adult consistently present with whom a young child can build a successful relationship. Consistently present requires that she not be responsible for too many children at one time, have good support and good wages.
So, PQ, you can see I think the very best choice will include your husband working at home and I can help him design a daily schedule to include independent playtimes that will afford him time for his work. We could easily set up a Telephone Counseling Appointment to cover this topic.
As far as your fear of boredom, all children need to have some bored times when no adult entertainment is available -- this is when their resourcefulness kicks in.
Thanks for writing,
Kitty
Filed under: Daily Routines, Play
Guarding Your Child’s Free Time
Posted September 1, 2009
(class offering): "Free Time, ages 0-16 years, Tuesday / Thursday afternoons, 3PM to 6Pm. Cost: negligable; Location: your home."
If you were to run across this listing in the extra-curricular booklets for fall '09 would you register for it? Would you sign your child up for it? As school resumes, preschool starts and gym/swim or music lessons begin I would like to put in a word in favor of free time for your child.
Historically, free time had a good reputation. Everybody wanted some so they made it for themselves and gave it to their children.
Times have changed; now, keeping busy is more highly valued - it almost doesn't matter with what. Playdates, swimming, piano, basketball, hockey, gymnastics, choral activities and more playdates. If you child has a free afternoon you might feel almost apologetic about it, explaining to friends that you tried to get her into the such-and-such for 7 year olds program but it was full.
For emotional health, children need free time. This means time without TV or computers games, without homework or chores.
"But mom, that sounds so boring! I don't want free time. I want to have a friend over or go somewhere."
Mom says: "Those things will happen on other days. Thursday afternoons are saved especially for you to be able to do nothing or do 100 things. But you have to think of them yourself and learn to spend time with yourself. You have a science kit, you can read, you can pretend or have the water on in the back yard. You can play outside or inside and do whatever you want to do."
"I don't want to do anything! "
Mom says: "That is a normal way to feel at first but soon you may start looking forward to your quiet Thursday afternoons, when this special time is saved just for you."
Filed under: Daily Routines, Interesting Parenting Matters, Play
