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False Start with Toilet Training

Posted February 10, 2009

Dear Kitty,

My two-year old daughter (2 as of July) started showing interest in using the potty last April. We didn't push anything but we didn't want to ignore her interest either. We didn't know exactly what to do, but we bought a potty and she actually peed in it 2-3 times right before her bath. She was very excited, and of course we were too. A week or so later, however, she would say "no" to sitting on the potty before the bath. We tried putting her there anyway, but it got to be a struggle, so we quit. Now she seems to want nothing to do with the potty. We aren't sure where we went wrong. How do we perk up her interest again?

I can really understand your confusion over whether your daughter was showing you signs of "readiness" and if so, why did she change her mind. For many children between 18 and 24 months there occurs what I call a "false start." This is a little burst of interest in copying parent's behavior and experimenting with a new potty, enjoying the parent's reactions, etc. The majority of toddlers quickly tire of this once the novelty wears off. If this was any other type of behavior like wanting to carry your hairbrush around all the time, you wouldn't think twice about it nor mind when she soon lost interest.

This however, is something all parents dream about: a toddler who demonstrates "readiness" at a young age. You feel excited and put a lot of effort into facilitating her new interest, now suggesting the potty before the bath, cheering, etc. When the novelty wears off - parents are left holding the potty, so to speak, and wonder what they did wrong.

Most children will finally master using the potty or toilet reliably and independently -- some time between age 3 and 4 years. Research has outlined this expectation for us. But most parents from around age 19 months will spend the next 18 months in some form of "training," often feeling very frustrated at the results. Worse still, many will get stuck in a power struggle with their child and this is a struggle with no good ending.

My suggestion now is that you remain aware of the positive impact of modelling of your bathroom skills by allowing her to watch and hear about all the small steps there are involved; many children whose parents have simply modelled bathroom behavior will gradually train themselves just by copying. If not, once they reach age 3, you can be sure all readiness is in place and it's time to embark on a training program such as I present in my seminar. It usually takes only about a week or so.

I address the subtleties of Toilet Learning the Easy Way in an evening seminar. However, for parents with children over age three who have become resistant to toilet training for one reason or another, I suggest a Telephone Counseling appointment as a better approach to solving problems that have arisen.

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Time Management with a Toddler

Posted February 1, 2009

Dear Kitty,

This may sound like a silly question, but sometimes I have trouble filling my day when my 18 month old and I are home together. He would love to have me play with him the whole time but somehow I think I should put a limit on that. I would appreciate your advice on what a toddler's day should look like, in a very general way, of course, knowing that every day is not exactly identical.

I think your question is a good one and I agree with you that constant entertainment by a parent is not in a child's best interest. Creativity and resourcefulness will result as your child experiences regular times during the day when he needs to rely on himself and his own ideas for entertainment.

What follows is an excerpt from an as yet unpublished book I've written called "Parenting: Keep It Simple". This section addresses your question:

Managing Your Time with a Toddler in the House

This can be very challenging. Children ages one and two years may test parents by willingly becoming "hooked" on any kind of entertainment the parent will offer, especially if it means going out of the house, being picked up, played with, etc. Many toddlers seem to resist entertaining themselves. Yet, because we know that free play with interesting play props and without an adult directly involved is the way toddlers do their best learning, I encourage parents to schedule 'alone' time for their toddler. Here might be a typical toddler's day:

7:00am Get up and putter* / eat breakfast / putter again while parent is also having their breakfast.
8:00am Independent playtime (45 minutes) in room, with door or gate secured while parent showers, or eats or is otherwise busy. (happy or not, this is important time for a toddler)
9:00am Time to putter, following caregiver; "helping" with jobs
10:00am Watch short program, video, or listens to book on tape
10:30am Read stories with parent or caregiver
11:00am trip out to park, mall, groceries, back yard
12:00am lunch
12:30 -1:00pm go down for a nap which lasts approximately 2 hours or more
3:00pm wake up, listen to book on tape, 30 minute video, or music
3:30pm read books with parent or caregiver
4:00pm a walk outside, groceries, play in snow, rain, etc.
5:00pm solitary playtime in room (45 minutes) with door or gate secured (happy or not is OK)
6:00pm supper, bath, stories
7:00pm bed time
7:30pm parents eat supper by candlelight!

This chart is intended as a suggestion of how a parent can manage time with a toddler in the house. The day will probably always go best when the same general routine is followed day after day. Toddlers do not seem to thrive on variety. They prefer events to be predictable.

It is important for the parent of a child this age to practice "healthy selfishness" by building in time for yourself throughout the day, not just to get work done but to read a novel, drink tea sitting down and model for your child that parents have interests, too.

*Puttering refers to a child wandering about, picking up small portable objects and bringing them to an adult, walking away, wandering back, whining a bit for possible attention, then going over to a cupboard or toy when adult attention isn't forthcoming.

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Developmental Changes and Good Sleep

Posted January 10, 2009

Dear Kitty,

We did the sleep training with our now 21 month old at around 11 months. He has occasionally relapsed slightly from his good sleeping (after being away from home, or after being sick), but this time it has seemingly lasted longer. The issue isn't as much when he goes to sleep (although there are times he won't calm after quite some time), but more with night wakings. What used to be a 5min fussing and back to sleep has become a 45+ minute bawl session. We have therefore, resorted back to going in, rocking him (sometimes completely back to sleep) and laying him in his crib. Last night I went in after 15 minutes or so of screaming, calmed him down (without picking him up) and then told him to lay down in a firm but gentle voice. When he finally did, I rubbed his back a couple times then left the room. He of course began to cry, but within 10 minutes or so was sleeping. He later woke at 6:30ish and went back on his own in his regular manner and again at 8am. Are we doing the right thing? Should be simply not go in at all no matter what? Could be be experiencing nightmares at this age?
 
Rather than nightmares I am quite sure he is "suffering" from new brain development.  It could be in any area - physical, emotional, verbal, etc.  Other than travel or sickness, this is the most common reason for previously good sleep patterns to go off the tracks.  It usually starts small, parents respond a bit, child learns there is something to work for and -as in your case - parents try to figure out what is wrong, end up helping and a new pattern is launched.   And because he is bigger, stronger and smarter- the crying is louder and can last longer and sound more demanding.

So it is important that you now choose when night #1 will be and sleep train as carefully and completely as you did when he was 11 months. My guess is it will still only take 3 nights once he is getting a clear, consistent message from you.

So at 21 months, he should (ideally) be in bed for no less than 12 hours each night and go into bed fully awake, with no help to fall asleep.  Resist responding at all overnight.  His nap should be from approximately 12:30 PM to 3:00 PM.  No help to fall asleep and if he wakes up early he still doesn't come out until 3 PM.

Good luck getting your good sleeper back!

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