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Guarding Your Child’s Free Time

Posted September 1, 2009

(class offering):  "Free Time, ages 0-16 years, Tuesday / Thursday afternoons, 3PM to 6Pm.  Cost: negligable; Location: your home."

If you were to run across this listing in the extra-curricular booklets for fall '09 would you register for it?  Would you sign your child up for it? As school resumes, preschool starts and gym/swim or music lessons begin I would like to put in a word in favor of free time for your child.

Historically, free time had a good reputation.  Everybody wanted some so they made it for themselves and gave it to their children.

Times have changed; now, keeping busy is more highly valued - it almost doesn't matter with what.  Playdates, swimming, piano, basketball, hockey, gymnastics, choral activities and more playdates.  If you child has a free afternoon you might feel almost apologetic about it, explaining to friends that you tried to get her into the such-and-such for 7 year olds program but it was full.

For emotional health, children need free time. This means time without TV or computers games, without homework or chores. 

"But mom, that sounds so boring!  I don't want free time. I want to have a friend over or go somewhere." 

Mom says: "Those things will happen on other days.  Thursday afternoons are saved especially for you to be able to do nothing or do 100 things.   But you have to think of them yourself and learn to spend time with yourself.  You have a science kit, you can read, you can pretend or have the water on in the back yard.  You can play outside or inside and do whatever you want to do." 

"I don't want to do anything! "

Mom says: "That is a normal way to feel at first but soon you may start looking forward to your quiet Thursday afternoons, when this special time is saved just for you."

 

 

 

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I Remain Wary of Parenting Campaigns

Posted July 14, 2009

 

I've watched a few parenting campaigns unfold in my lifetime.  The SIDS campaign ("Back to Sleep"), the breast-feeding campaign, the sunscreen campaign, the publicity around infant toilet training, toilet training in one day (Dr. Phil) and life-saving swim lessons for 6 month olds, to name a few. While I respect some of the research and some of the intentions behind each campaign, I get nervous when I see one coming.

My kids were little when the sunscreen campaign was born.  I'm not sure to this day what/who was behind it but I'm sure sunscreen companies got rich and have stayed rich every since.  Basically it makes sense to protect a child's skin from sunburn, of course.  But that simple message got picked up and carried away by marketers and soon everybody jumped on the bandwagon. 

It turns out, however, that as a result of the fanatic effort to protect children from the sun, we ended up "protecting" them from much-needed vitamin D.  New research is leaning toward unexpected conclusions about vitamin D deficiency in children, particularly those living in northern climates like Canada. It is possible that childhood asthma rates, some types of cancer (not skin) and diseases such as MS are linked to vitamin D deficiency, since rates of each have risen alarmingly and mysteriously in our children since the start of the campaign to prevent skin cancer. 

Looking back, parents should have been informed of the need for modest sun-protection without the expensive, scary, advertising-driven campaign designed to get all of us, sheep-like, onto the sunscreen train. Regarding the other campaigns I mentioned above, parents need to be informed of the benefits of breast milk without making mothers afraid or guilty if they choose to feed their baby formula.  Parents need to be made aware of the safest sleeping position for a baby and the dangers of cigarette smoke - without making a parent feel she has to lie awake all night to be sure her baby is still breathing.

I wonder how this should be done.  Can we keep ourselves informed without making ourselves scared?  And what should a parent's response be when a new, million dollar campaign hits the streets?  If we become cynical or dismissive of new research, we won't be serving our children well.  But we do need to question, read more and discuss these campaigns with a doctor you trust to gain a realistic perspective.

p.s. Here are two articles which may be of interest to you:

http://www.medscape.com/viewarticle/702423?src=emailthis

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/4001172/

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Instead of Praise? Try Low-Key, Positive Observations

Posted July 2, 2009

   Your child will want it again and he'll want more. Typically, children who receive lots of praise from parents will begin to look for it and even demand it if it isn't immediately forthcoming. When the parent then tries to tone it down and help the child value his accomplishments himself - without the praise - the child may stop playing or working entirely.  Praise, particularly constant, frequent praise, causes the child to become dependent on an outside judge in order to feel good about himself. 

So if not with praise, how can you best show your child your approval and admiration?  I suggest using low-key, positive observations.  Here is how these might sound:

"Daddy!  I went down the slide!"  "Did you? Was that fun?" (said with obvious interest, but allowing the feelings of accomplishment to remain within the child)

"Watch me throw the ball!"  "You are throwing that ball! How did you learn to do that?" (a perfectly satisfactory low-key observation - non-addictive yet carries a tone of approval)

"Look!  I drew a picture!"  "I see. You worked hard on that."

 

In your question, you mentioned you never received praise as a child.  I would like to suggest that in particular, what you might have missed out on were clear signs of approval from your parents.  Expressions of approval of and genuine interest in a child by the parents are two of the best strategies for giving children confidence. I'm reading a book right now called The Self-Esteem Trap: Raising confident and Compassionate Kids in an Age of Self-Importance by Polly Young-Eisendrath, PhD. It's a trap I can relate to.  My first child was born during the height of what I now see was a campaign designed to boost the self-esteem of every child via the heavy use of praise, constant recognition and pep talks about a chlld's exceptionality.  As a parent, I fell for it hook line and sinker and even taught the basics of this self-esteem movement to other parents during the 1980's.  That this theory has now so soundly been proven wrong has contributed to my cautious approach to parenting campaigns in general.

 

Let's think of infants as having been born with a strong tendency to believe in themselves.  Our job as parents is not to build or boost or create self-esteem--we just need to do our parenting in ways that support and maintain what each child comes with.  A topic for a future blog will be keeping parental expectations appropriate to the age of the child.  Expecting or demanding skills or learning that are inappropriate for the age - can wreak havoc with self-esteem.

 

Thanks for your good question. I hope we hear from other parents on this subject.

Kitty

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