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Toddler Discipline - This May Surprise You.

Posted July 24, 2011

Gwennie is 22 months old and has just slapped her mom in the face - after having reached her arms up to be picked up. What should her mom do now? Would Gwennie's mom quickly get down to her child's eye level and have a "word" with her about how hitting is not polite, it hurts, and we don't hit. (hmm...this would actually be giving Gwennie attention over her misbehavior. Smart Gwennie might soon figure out that when she wants attention again, hitting works!)

My suggestion would be very different. See if you agree.

Let's take the same scenario: Gwennie reaches up to her mom to be picked up. Her mom complies and Gwennie slaps mom's face. Instantly, mom places Gwennie on the floor, says "No hurting!" and turns away or walks into another room. Gwennie will likely cry because she was startled by her mom's reaction and hitting mom wasn't fun like it used to be. But mom isn't mad, she isn't over-talking or lecturing. Mom knows that any lecturing or explaining will be interpreted as attention by a child this age. Also, mom has moved very quickly (startlingly fast!) because she has had this strategy planned in her mind, ever since the last time it happened.

Children under age three will test us repeatedly to see if they get a reaction. The longest, most eloquent lecture from a parent or caregiver - only serves to reassure the child this age that, indeed, they have found an electrically charged button to push. Being toddlers, they are programmed to keep on pushing the buttons we offer them - until they don't work any more. Then they will stop.

Only by withdrawing our attention - very obviously and very quickly - does a child NOT get a reaction worth repeating.

How will Gwennie's mom know if this is working? Next time she picks Gwennie up, we'll see if she remembers on her own, not to slap. If she does slap again, her mom should repeat the above non-reaction. Soon, upon being picked up by mom, Gwennie might even tell herself "no hitting" to verify her assumption and get to stay up in her mom's arms.

Of course now, it's Gwennie's job to start testing Dad, and Grandma to see if they know about this new rule! Let's hope they do!

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Seminars coming right up!

Discipline - "Setting Healthy Limits for Kids Age 1-4 Years Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Sleep from the Start (prenatal class) Thursday, August 4, 2011

Sleep from Now On (12 lbs. to three Years) Tuesday, August 9, 2011

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“How Do I Get My Kid to Listen?”

Posted April 4, 2011

Randall, father of 2.5 year old Tony, is frustraated because Tony appears to have a hearing problem whenever it is bedtime, come to dinner time or time to put things away. Randall explains carefully to Tony the value of listening and cooperating - in terms he believes his son can understand. "He is very verbal so obviously he understands me. And of course I know he does hear well because the minute the TV goes on he comes running. But no matter how many times I tell him to do something..."

I can see that Randall is a dedicated dad who is trying very hard to make his wishes clear to his son. And the wishes seem reasonable. The trouble is that Randall doesn't fully understand the developmental abilities - and limitations - of a 2.5 year old mind. No matter how bright and no matter how advanced Tony's language may be, when a parent tries hard to explain things to a toddler, the child will typically click the "mute" button.

Toni's stage of development requires that he experience parental action to match the words. This way the words eventually become associated the actions and as he matures, most of the verbal requests will be easily interpreted and (sometimes!) followed.

As I mention in my Setting Healthy Limits seminar, kids begin to learn your firm words like "No touching!" only if it is accompanied by actual removal of the item or the child. The words alone simply provide your toddler with something interesting to test.

"Time to go to bed now, honey. Come along. Let's get up and I can read you a story. You were really tired this morning and it's good to get to bed early. Come on, now." (bla-bla-MUTE!) Your child will learn to pay more attention to your words if you say it's time for bed and you physically pick up the child and carry him straight to get ready.

"Stop running your truck on the hardwood floor. It makes scratches and some of those scratches are hard to remove later. Your truck is made of metal and metal scratches wood." (bla-bla-MUTE!) Your child will learn to pay attention to your words if you say "The truck belongs on the rug" as you pick up the truck and move it to the rug.

"Don't go so close to the fountain because you might get wet. You've got your new shoes on and if they get wet they won't look nice. Come on, sweetie. Come back from the fountain." Instead, a simple "Don't go close to rhe fountain" as you move quickly to pick up your child or take their hand and physically move her away from the fountain will help your child understand exactly what you mean.

After age three children are able to listen to the "why" of things and you'll know your child is ready and interested in hearing a little background information. Your sentences can lengthen.

Book a Behavioral Consultation with Kitty Raymond to learn better strategies.

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Time-Outs Are Not Working!

Posted November 14, 2009

Dear Kitty,

My wife and i are going crazy because our 2.5 year old daughter is testing our patience constantly. She climbs up where she isn't allowed, talks back and is whiny much of the time. Things she isn't allowed to touch, such as our CD collection, seem to be her first targets every morning. We've read discipline books and tried Time Outs, but she just laughs. Why aren't they working for us?

I can certainly understand your frustration. Time-Outs vary greatly in style, from putting a child on a naughty mat or placing him on a stair - to putting him in his crib. The only version of Time-Out I recommend in my seminar Setting Healthy Limits Age 1-5 Years, is one that begins with a startle and takes place behind a door and lasts only one minute.

The two other highly effective tools I discuss in my seminar are purposeful ignoring (this would cover whining and talking back) and fantastic babyproofing ( this would deal with the CD problem).

Once your child reaches age three, she'll be a little more logical and be able to understand the consequences of breaking the rules you set up. However, as you can see in my blog entry on The Oppositional Three Year Old, you won't be out of the woods - but the woods will look different.

It may help to realize that your daughter is doing exactly what she is supposed to do - which is to perform hundreds of tests to help her learn what works and what doesn't work. The trick is to stay just one step ahead!

Kitty

Ways I can provide help:

Setting Healthy Limits Age 1-5 Years Seminar

Telephone Counseling

Email Counseling

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