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Naps for a 3 Month Old
Posted November 20, 2008
Dear Kitty,
Regarding my now 3 month old boy and his sleep habits He now sleep thru the night from 7pm to 6am. He usually wakes around 4 am and fusses for a short time then goes back to sleep. I've been putting him down for his first nap around 7:15am and leaving him for 1.5 hours. He has been sleeping for 45 minutes then waking and crying for the remainder. Because I have a 2.5 year old we have activites and outings scheduled so Evan gets his 2nd nap in his carseat where he sleeps for 1 - 2.5 hours long, most of the time in motion - his best nap. His 3rd nap he has been sleeping for 45 and crying for the remainder.
Do you suggest I start his 1.5 - 2 hour awake time when I get him out of bed or when he is tired? If he is crying for a large portion of his nap time he is tired soon after waking. How long does this process usually take? Are we talking months? I guess it is common to be dealing with an overtired baby all the time while his napping is getting sorted out, is that correct? And yes, I am again looking for some supportive words and wisdom. Any other thoughts you have would be appreciated as well. Thanks so much.
The fact that he sleeps for up to 2.5 hours during the "in motion" nap shows us how long his naps really should be for him to wake up refreshed. My concern is that the addictive quality of the "motion" nap is interfering with his ability to develop his skills of sleeping that well without motion. It's almost as if you are rocking him to sleep for one nap and rocking him for the whole nap, and then NOT rocking for the other two naps. Naturally, we would expect him to prefer to be rocked for every nap.
This is every parent's dilemma -- how to develop strong sleep skills while at the same time, lead a fairly active life. It was a lot easier before life got so busy and there were so many tempting places to take a two-year old.
Really, the only truthful advice I can give is to stay home for 5 straight days, having him nap each time in his crib for over 2 hours, whether he is crying or not. Then, after he has reestablished or established his ability to put himself to sleep and stay asleep for a full nap every day, you could begin to experiment with a day or so a week when he has a car nap and hope that doesn't disturb anything.
Filed under: Sleep
Oppositional 3 Year Old
Posted November 10, 2008
Dear Kitty,
I'm writing because my husband and I are pulling our hair out as a result of our son’s behavior the last few days. He's acting very oppositional, for example: when told to do something he doesn't want to - get out of his pajamas, have a bath, put away a toy - he'll shout "NO!" at close range, or alternatively, "I don't LIKE you!". Or, he'll start to stomp his feet and flail his arms in some sort of feeble attempt to hit whatever is around him - the wall, his toys, and so on. With the shouting, he gets the "pivot" or a time out, being told "no shouting at mom/dad"; with the flailing, we just walk away. I sense with the former behavior, he's testing his limits with us, and with the latter, he's just trying to get attention. We don't know what's causing this - he still doesn't watch TV, he's had no new books lately, no new social interactions - but we're more concerned with how to manage it. On Sunday, after shouting and refusing to get out of his pajamas, he ran to his room, shut the door, and didn't come out. After all the time-outs for shouting, hitting, etc., 2 hours had passed and we began to wonder if, by leaving him in his pajamas, we were giving him exactly what he wanted. At 3 (3 yrs 3 months), is he allowed to shout at us? It's certainly not the way I'd like to interact with him. But how much of an explanation is "No shouting at Mommy" for a 3 yr old, anyway? We're stumped. Any ideas on how to handle this? I'd like to nip it in the bud, because as is my tendency, I see us on one of those "Nanny" shows in about 3 weeks' time.
YOU will never be on a nanny show, because you are way too clever. Look at how many things you've already conquered as you've been helping him grow up.
Yes, you do have to put up with a 3-year-old shouting mean things at you because that's exactly how kids his age now show their anger (verbal temper tantrum). You have to be ready for it and ready to ignore it, as if you didn't even hear it. When you say 'no shouting at mommy' you are giving him too much information about what bugs you and you'll get more of it. Instead, just be sure that whatever you've said he could or couldn't do is followed and ignore the noise.
I need to mention, though, that I think you may be expecting too much of him at his age. It's very unlikely and unusual that he would do the things you've mentioned, on command. Instead you could say, "Ok, we need to get your pajamas off. Can you do it by yourself or do you need my help." Once in a while he'll want to do it himself and other times he'll either ask for help or ignore what you said, which means you just do it immediately, without any more talking. Always ask again the next night, same wording.
As for toy pick-up, he's also too young for that to happen reliably. So, "We have time to read a book before bed if we can get some of these blocks put away (be specific). I think we should get busy”. You start, and if he ignores you or just watches you, then you take as long as it takes to do some of it and after you are done, say "Oh, darn, I had to do the tidy-up by myself, so it took longer and now there is no time for a book tonight. We'll try it again tomorrow night." He'll have a fit and you will just put him to bed screaming and yelling. But tomorrow night may be a lot better. Use the same wording, and consequence, exactly. Other times of the day if you need to make a request, link it to a favorite activity or lunch or snack. "Yes, your snack is ready but we need to put your shoes away first." If no action, “Let me know when the shoes are ready and then we can get the snack –or TV or head to the park…or whatever you wish to link it to.
For things you need to do like bath, you can say, "It's time for a bath. Do you want a bath or shower?" If he resists, then you take him into the shower with you and get the job done as fast as you can. You can see it really has to be worth it. And all the hate you words he throws out fall on deaf ears. He has a right to be mad, and you have a right to insist he obey, but I suggest lowering your expectations around what you are asking, at least in some of those examples.
Filed under: Discipline
Mandatory Playtime
Posted November 1, 2008
Dear Kitty,
Up until July, my now 2.5 year old son had been "enjoying" a daily one-hour playtime in his room, in addition to his afternoon nap. When my husband started his summer vacation, we decided to relax the schedule as we could "spell" each other off with parenting. Now we are trying to re-implement the regular playtimes as my husband will be returning to work soon and our second child is due in a few months. We have remained consistent all along with nap and bedtimes, but we are finding that now he is very resistant to his playtimes and is resorting to yelling, throwing things around his room and at his door, and banging on his door with toys. I try to ignore the temper tantrum but am finding it difficult to cope with! Do you have any suggestions? --exasperated parent
It is not surprising to hear that your efforts to reinstate playtimes is not going well. You have given your son a taste of "bread and butter" with yours and/or your husband's full attention during the day, and you are now you are offering only the crusts. Remember that although parent-child play is valuable, it can become addictive and can inhibit a child's natural ability to play independently. Your child's mandatory playtime is as necessary in his development as getting 11-12 hours of sleep at night, and it must remain a consistent part of his routine year-round. What you are experiencing now is essentially "starting over".
The good news is that you have maintained other important components of his routine such as strict nap and bedtimes. When implementing mandatory playtimes, it is equally important to remain consistent with the routine and make sure your son knows exactly what you expect of him (..."it's time for me to ___, and it's time for you to have a playtime"...) He needs to have firm limits and he will be more secure knowing exactly who is in charge. Your role is then to set up his room/play area and step back and let him do the "work" of creating, imagining, and problem solving on his own. His behavior in his room needs to be purposefully ignored for the duration of the playtime while behind his closed door. When the playtime is over and he comes out, don't give undue attention to what went on, or the size of the mess created during his time in his room. He can be involved in the clean-up or not, but there shouldn't be an expectation that he will.
It may be helpful, during the difficult days, to remind yourself that you are fostering in him the ability to play independently--one of the most important childhood tasks!
Filed under: Play
