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Bedtime Delay Tactics
Posted August 20, 2008
Dear Kitty,
I feel that our "sleep time" serenade with our child has gotten out of hand. The process seems to take up to a half hour: "time to get ready for bed", brush the teeth, wash the face, put on a night diaper, pjs on, read a book (maybe two), hop into bed, talk about the day, sing a song and good night. While that in it self isn't so bad, throughout the process she fusses, disagrees, wants this and wants that, etc. adding more and more minutes to the evening. I am unsure when and for what I should be disciplining her. Do I ignore all her whining and disagreements, etc and just plough through the process? Or at the first sign of a power struggle to I put an end to it and put her straight to bed?
There’s not a parent out there who hasn’t been through nights like this. You start early, you are in a good mood, and by the time you’re done, you feel frustrated, exhausted, and still your child is unhappy as you say goodnight.
Often, parents try to make the bedtime routine represent too many things. We hope it will be a warm and pleasant ending-of-the-day for our children, and we hope it will leave us feeling like good, patient, loving parents. The fact is, it’s the end of the day, and everyone’s energy is low. In the summer, bedtimes may be later and resistance may be strong. Parents give in to one more drink, another stuffed animal, or a fifth hug in hopes that our children will finally say “There, that’s enough, mom and dad. I know you love me and I’m having a wonderful childhood. Go rest yourselves. Goodnight.”
There is a better way. Research shows that the longer the bedtime routine, the harder it is for children to part with us. Short and concise are key words that describe a much more successful bedtime routine. Consider the following five-step plan for a happier bedtime.
1. Give a five-minute reminder that bedtime is coming. In five minutes, take child physically with you to dress for bed and diaper if needed. Or let her sleep in what she has on. No coaxing, reminding – just do it. They don’t have to be happy or particularly co-operative about this for you to still get it done quickly.
2. Physically take her into the bathroom, fix the toothbrush, and while she chews on the toothbrush, you tell her that tonight you have time to tell her the “Story of her day” if the brushing goes well. If she dawdles, gets silly, refuses to cooperate, you carry her off to bed and tell her that she’ll have a chance for The Story of the Day, tomorrow night. Say a bedtime phrase and leave her to cry to sleep. Tomorrow night will likely go better because of your decisive action tonight.
3. After a cooperative brushing, take her to her bed and if all is going smoothly, tell her the Story. “Once upon a time there was a child named __________ (your child’s name). He/she got out of bed in the morning and had _____ for breakfast. …” Now, you proceed to tell the “story” of your child’s day. Keep it simple and short -3-5 minutes – and include any outings, visits, tantrums, hurts or surprises because they like those best! End the story like this: “…and then she brushed her teeth cooperatively and there was time to tell her the Story of the Day.”
4. Before you leave the room, set her up with water, a light, books to look at, and a choice of 2 animals. Try not to deviate from this set-up plan, and try not to forget anything. Put on music if you use it, and turn on a fan or white noise if you use it. Unplug your baby monitor! Tell her that if she thinks of more things she needs, she can tell you in the morning. Make it clear that even if she calls or cries, you’ll see her in the morning.
5. Briefly, hug her once and say “it’s night time, I love you, I’ll see you in the morning.” Leave the room, close and secure the door. What about the bedtime book? Personally, I think the Story of the Day works better. You remain completely in charge of how long the Story is and what points you intend to emphasize. For example: “At the park, the little boy named _____forgot the rules and threw sand at a little boy. His mommy picked him up quickly and said Oops! you forgot the rule, so we have to go home! And ____cried all the way home! But pretty soon, he felt better and his mom fixed some grapes for a snack.”
Lots of things to think about here. What about bath time? Some parents love bath time, so start it early if you plan to include it, but only include it if it really goes well and you have the energy for it. Personally, I like to have a bath occur every other day and as part of the daytime activity so when I want to sit and read a novel while my (grand)child plays in the bath. Suit yourself, but remember how tired you are at the end of the day and how many opportunities baths present for children to practice delay tactics.
What age? The principals of a pragmatic, relatively short bedtime start early, probably around 1 year. Ending with a song (same one every night) works for babies who aren’t yet ready for the “Story of The Day.”
Filed under: Discipline, Daily Routines, Sleep
Talking Back
Posted August 10, 2008
Dear Kitty,
My son is almost 3 and a half. He has been a fairly easy child so far except for temper tantrums now and then which I think are probably normal. Now, however, he is getting very fond of talking back when I say things to him. He mostly does it with me but also with his father sometimes. I've told him we don't allow talk like that and I've taken privileges away but something is spurring him on. How can I make this behavior stop?
Most parents of children under age three catch on quickly to the importance of ignoring temper tantrums. They find out that the number of tantrums and their length will decrease once they learn the art of walking away from a tantrum. However, after a child turns three and those temper tantrums become verbal, it seems the tantrum takes on a quality which suddenly makes everyone uneasy. " Isn't this disrespectful? How can I let him talk to me that way?"
Talking back is a three year old's temper tantrum. It needs to be walked away from. It's no worse than falling on the floor, kicking and screaming, unless we make it worse by over interpreting the behavior. Children have a right to get mad when we won't let them do something. It's human nature. And when they've moved developmentally into the world of words, it is very natural for them to lash out at us with those words (dumb-dumb, poo-poo head, poopy mommy, I hate you, go away, I want my daddy, you're a no-good mommy, etc.).
How we react - more like whether we react - will determine if this sassy behavior becomes habitual or dies out for lack of reinforcement. If you do react ("that's not nice," "don't you dare," "you can't speak to me like that," etc.) then the talking back worked for the child and she'll continue to do more of it to get a reaction out of you. If you do not react, her whole purpose flops, and, after trying a few more times, she'll discontinue because it just isn't working for her. There's no pay-off.
I'm not talking about giving in, of course. If you've made a statement "your snack will be ready when you've washed your hands" (over 3 years of age), and you get told that you are a dump-truck mommy, then while you will ignore the words, you will also be waiting for the hands to get washed. You should be busy with other things while your child stews over the decision he has to make. Even if things get really grim, you do not present the snack unless the hands are washed. How do you pull this off? Pretend you are deaf. Turn your back. Walk away. Resist the urge to say "well, I love you anyway, even if you hate me," or "you hurt mommy's feelings when you say things like that". Any of these responses will be so satisfactory and interesting to your child that this behavior will be repeated (and probably escalated) next time. Try very hard not to let your own feelings be involved at all. Of course she's mad. We knew she would be. Children need to be able to get mad in a developmentally appropriate way (spew words at you) and then find out that nothing changes. You don't get mad back, you don't cry, etc., and most of all, you don't feel sorry for them and cave in.
So, if you have a three or four year old who gets mad and tries to hurt with his words, try not to assume he has an anger management problem. This is normal, developmentally. By age five, while there may still be some verbal outbursts, your child may more likely sulk off and slam the door to her bedroom when she feels thwarted. Bursting into tears is also not an uncommon way for this age to deal with anger. Doors are pretty good for slamming, and my advice would be to pretend you don't hear. That way, the door may last into your child's adulthood and you'll get through this stage relatively unscathed.
Filed under: Discipline
Toddler Running Away
Posted August 1, 2008
Dear Kitty,
Our daughter will be turning 3 next month and she has always been a very active child. It almost seems that from the time she began to walk, she preferred to run instead! This has become a problem however, as she constantly runs away from me when we are out of the house. As well, she completely ignores my telling her to stop as she runs away (and never looks back!). Not only is this a huge safety issue for us, but it concerns me that she doesn't listen when I tell her to stop. As well, we are expecting our second child in a few months. It is becoming harder for me to chase after her and I cannot imagine how I will manage this behavior and a new baby. Currently, we still use a stroller for longer outings, but she will only sit in it for brief periods. I have never really considered a harness, but am questioning whether that is our only option. Thank you Kitty-any advice would be greatly appreciated.
It's usually not until 3.5 or older that a child starts to understand the danger involved in running away. Until she does, it's really important to restrict her freedom a bit more than you are.
I would use a stroller even on the shorter walks for a few days, saying "Someday soon you will be able to stop running too far but until then, it's important to be in the stroller. It's OK if you need to be mad." This gives her something to work toward and try to remember, and when she is ready to keep that promise, you can give her another chance.
Buckle her in well enough that she has no choice but to sit, happy or not, and gradually she'll accept the new restraints.
This isn't really a listening problem as much as it is an under-age expectation for this amount of self-control.
Filed under: Discipline
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